The Ugly Truth.

This is going to be an unusual post among my posts here, because this is very raw and unusual feeling I’m having, but if you pulled this post up at random, it should explain something to you.

So I’ve been talking with this guy online for a while now. I was pretty convinced he’s a True Emotion Mirror, the one. Head over heels in love with him from day one. Day two, we argued about something stupid. Day three, lovey-dovey. Day four, thinking of relocating to another side of the world… You know—fast love.

Then, he expresses a sexual dissimilarity to me – as in something he wants me to do that I don’t really find objectionable per se, I just feel like “blah!” Too much energy expenditure. I’m butt lazy! Nah nooo!

Put that aside, fully in love again.

Then I refuse to do something he thinks is an amazing idea. Great! So easy! Solves all of your problems, and I’m like… No. I don’t want to. You know… Dig my heels in, refuse to do it – something that is a very normal request indeed; talk to this woman about… As you may know from other sources, one of my most liberating realizations was that I don’t want to hang out with women if I can avoid it and that there is no effin’ law that says I have to. So I flat-out refused.

He hasn’t spoken to me for nearly 24 hours now, which is a long time considering how things have been lately. In spirit, he’s seeing how he can’t live with that and how he was hoping I’d be into other women, too, like he’s into men, too.

Oddly, I don’t feel rejected; I feel VICTORIOUS. I don’t even know why. I bratted, I refused, I declined. I MADE HIM fall out of love with me. How am I feeling STRONGER or more VICTORIOUS than when I cannot break a person’s love for me? Sure, I’ve tried to hack these women out of my life for a fucking decade, and they refuse to take me seriously, and they’re like an unpenetrable wall of fucking fantasy-based bullshit, but still, this man is… I thought, perfect for me. Absolutely perfect, and I feel VICTORIOUS by making him go away?!

Even mischievous. Like I showed him something he didn’t like… Kind of like alluring him to this fantasy female that he was so taken by… Opening my robe, I reveal a swirling serpent, a demon core, a dragon’s tail… Something ugly; something he didn’t predict seeing, and I feel like laughing, the witchy laughter of someone pulling the biggest demonic prank on an unsuspecting poor man… I feel like saying, “Told you you wouldn’t love me for real!” LIAR! Even though I never said that to him or even thought that of him, but that’s what I feel like saying: “I win, you lose, you can’t handle it all!”

How can that feel so good?

To be honest, I think this might be just a pump in the road, and he’ll come to terms with it, but I don’t even care. I held my ground, and I guess that is what feels so good… To say NO to someone I love and adore so much. It would have been easy to try and please him in every way, out of fear of losing him, if I don’t grant him this very normal request: “Can’t you just talk to this woman…?” No. No, I cannot. If she says what I want her to say, it will mean we’ll be forced to treat each other as friends from then on, and I’m not going to do it. If she says what I don’t need her to say, there was no point talking to her in the first place. No. I won’t risk having to treat her as a friend to gain something I don’t truly NEED at this stage, either.

I feel like Amber Turd might have felt similar. She lures this guy with her whatever she is – and she’s a very charming, alluring woman, only a jealous/envious self-deluder and value-denier would say she isn’t those things, at least at first. Still, Johnny thinks she’ll be something slightly different than what she is, that her charm and allure mean something else… She isn’t what he expected, and she turns into a monster when he tries to call on her virtue, her higher moral… That isn’t there. Then laughing at him for having fooled himself into thinking she’d be perfect for him, that she’d be this virtuous woman he’d love.

(I feel scared of how many similarities I find with Amber Heard, a woman I’d gladly see fed to wolves for what she did to Johnny as far as I’m concerned… And finding many feelings in myself that I think she might have felt about Johnny and other people… So the old lesson stands: Judge not lest thee be judged – or at least – once you understand someone, you won’t judge them anymore… Sadly, because judging is so fucking fun.)

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