They haven’t told me they love me, do they?

While it is certainly possible, that people don’t tell they love someone even if they do, I would never COUNT on someone’s love if they don’t speak of it.

There are plenty of people who make an art form out of deluding themselves into thinking they’re loved when they aren’t, and, grant you that, it also works in reverse.

The question is: Do you generally speaking believe people around you love you (without telling you) or secretly simply tolerate or even hate you (without telling you)? Your PREDISPOSITION to belief tells more about how things may be in reality. If NOBODY has told you they love you, but you believe EVERYBODY does, the chances are that… well, nobody loves you is closer to the truth than EVERYBODY loves you.

Why would I say such a horrible thing?

The reason is that if you live under the illusion that everyone loves you but doesn’t tell you, the chances are that you are a terrible person to live with and tolerate. Frankly, you need to change either yourself or find new people to love who are more like you.

Most people DO NOT TELL YOU they don’t love you or that hate you even if they feel that way. It is a very impolite thing to say to someone. A lot of people GLADLY inform you of their love for you, no matter how insecure, timid, or shy they may be. At least, most people TRY to express their love somehow, unexpected gifts are the most common way of doing it. Birthday presents, Christmas presents, and housewarming or wedding presents say absolutely NOTHING about a person’s true feelings for you. NOTHING. Not a damned thing… Unless they’re so bad they are saying: “I really don’t care about you… At all” with it.

The opposite side

If many many people tell you they love you, the chances are that even the ones who don’t speak of it do. It is also possible that if a lot of people express their love and admiration to you, the ones who love you the most feel too scared to confess they, too, love you and are just as predictable and desperately your admirers as everybody else is.

There is also a high chance that if you believe in people’s capacity to hate, you’ll TRY HARDER to be a nice, lovable person, than those people who don’t even believe in hate.¹

People who are the least loved

A person who never gets to be told they’re loved are far more likely to fool themselves into thinking everyone does, at least to an extent. They may think of it as a number’s game, CERTAINLY, it is to be sure that SOMEONE loves me even if nobody says so. “Saying ‘I love you’ only happens in the movies, right?” The truth is, I can tell you by my very vast experience in hearing love confessions, people DO tell you they love you when they feel that way. MEN say it, often, easily, without fear when they feel it. Hearing someone to tell you they love you is NOT UNCOMMON AT ALL when people trust each other to be safe with each other.

Although expressing hate and annoyance takes trust too, it should happen AFTER exchanging I love you’s about A THOUSAND TIMES. The existence of LOVE must be made clear before expressions of hate, annoyance, dislike, disagreement can be put on the table. The only exception to this rule is a newborn baby who gets to express discomfort before they express love. Their parents should be more than capable of expressing their love for the child continuously until the child learns to respond to expressions of love like normal people do.

People who are the least loved are likely to have gotten there due to their inability to express love themselves. That doesn’t mean they are incapable of loving, it’s just that their habit of expressing love is somehow damaged. They should probably seek guidance in that because expressing love is one of the most important life skills any person can have.

Expressing love and having it shot down is terrifying, however

There’s a catch 22 tho. Everyone who has ever expressed love to someone who they TRULY love knows how terrifying it is to do. With people who delude themselves that they are loved even though nobody speaks of it, are risking a terrible reaction when they try to reach out to someone with an expression of love. If you’ve suffered abuse from a parent for decades when they’ve never expressed their love for you in any way, the chances are that when the parent finally opens up, the child is in no mood for hearing it. The same thing applies to any close long term relationship in which love has gone expressed by picking a fight or not saying it at all.

Picking a fight is an expression of love?

You may wonder if I’m insane suggesting that fighting is an expression of love to someone. While you may be able to imagine how fighting might be a fun thing to do with your beloved sibling or mother, if a person KNOWS HOW TO EXPRESS LOVE AT ALL, it is UNLIKELY they will read “I love you” into continuous fighting, even if they KNEW IT LOGICALLY that to some people “this is how we express love” makes complete sense.

The logic of fighting goes something like this: If you allow me to fight you and you don’t leave, you love me. But the truth is, there are situations when leaving is not a realistic option for people. Particularly if they’re underaged or they are financially dependent. Almost ANYONE will choose survival with the help of someone they hate over even one night on the streets. STAYING WITH YOU when a person’s options are limited is absolutely not a sign of love. (Therefore, if you want to both find true love and appear loved, make sure your important people have enough disposable income to safely leave you if they want to.)

People who love each other enjoy each other

There is also a group of people who believe that suffering for someone is the height of love. This is true, but there are conditions. If YOU ARE the SOURCE of suffering, it is very unlikely that you are not loved. This is not always true, either. There are people who think the same way, who suffer for each other’s company and bickering and bitching to each other. The sign is that they tend to burst into laughter a lot while bickering. They BOTH pick a fight – not just one of them. However, people like this tend to think a certain behavior that is annoying to them is “picking a fight” when truthfully that’s just the way that person is.

Regardless. It is good to check with someone you’re constantly fighting if they are actually enjoying it or not.

Suffering for someone should mean that the source of suffering is external. They could walk away but they stay because they love you so. THAT is a real sign of love.

“He’s/She’s testing me”

To me, one of the most ANNOYING beliefs people have is that they believe that if someone is fighting them for months or years on end, “they are TESTING THEM whether they’d leave or not”. This way, they can stay in a relationship that has turned toxic for years or even decades, and still think “they’re loved”. When one person is trying to say “this relationship is over, go away”, and often say literally that, THIS IS NOT A TEST. If you leave and they don’t follow, they are not TESTING you, they are trying to break up with you.

This is the typical situation when a husband is physically violent (has run out of ideas of how else to chase this bitch out the door and leave him to his life that was rather nice before she got around) and eventually he goes too far. She leaves, only to return in 2 weeks’ time because you know “deep down he loves me”. Fucking hell he does. He may be head over heels in love with someone else, GENUINELY, but this one woman keeps coming back and acting like she owns him, while SHE has all the mental problems in regards to relationships.

Victim blaming? No. The victim here is a person whose life got stolen by an obsessive delusional bitch.²

Is it true he’d hurt you if you left him?

A lot of people like this also believe their life would be in danger if they left him. This MAYBE true, but it may also be a way to believe someone who doesn’t want them around loves them fiercely. I would test this. Are they abusive or angry if you’re a little late? What about more late? Do they react if you’re gone for 2 weeks? Do they actually follow you if you go away for a while? If not, they don’t give a shit about you and they truly don’t love you.

Don’t now go telling yourself that they are “testing you” or playing “a game of dominance” just to see you crawl back to them so they can maintain their power position. They’re not. They just genuinely don’t want you there. Either way, you’re better off leaving than staying. If you can safely leave someone who doesn’t treat you with love and respect, their “deep down” feelings for you don’t matter.

1. For clarity. I don’t believe in pure evil, but I certainly believe in true hate. Two different things. ↩

2. I say this in the plainest terms possible to ram a very important message home. ↩

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