Thriller Dynamic: Tell Me Your Secrets…

While the Thriller Dynamic in a love relationship is more than familiar to a lot of people who find it amazingly exciting, to other people, this is an abomination and such a surprise that it needs to be explained out a bit. The Old Souls* tend to be victims of this behavior rather than the ones getting a thrill out of it, although, they can learn the rules and play accordingly… 

Have you ever wondered what people mean when they say that they do not trust this or that information to certain people because they might use it against them at some time or another? There is two different ways information can be used against them; creating a bond (like knowing a password) and humiliation or blackmail. 

Some people like to make friends by exchanging superficial personal information such as where they are originally from, how many siblings they had, what their parents did for a living, what they themselves do for a living, how many children they have, and so forth. Whenever you get a match, you are closer to a friendship, whenever you get a non-match… A person of this type will start wondering how they could help their new friend to reach the status of a match rather than a non-match. “If only you had one more child…” (These people love the idea of 2 or 3 children, “normal family” and “a big family, serious about kids, loves kids!” 4 kids or more..! Obsessive!)

When someone knows this kind of information, they can “pretend to be a friend” by telling the person they intend to deceive that they have the same background and have the same amount of children… Instant friends! Other people are immune to this and cannot understand (and shouldn’t) why these things matter in a friendship. They base their friendships on matching philosophies, ideas, hobbies, and interests, shared ideals, and idols and level of intelligence and talent, things that are MUCH HARDER to replicate or fake because people who are at this level can tell a fake in a split second. They will remain polite, but they know this person is either trying to play a role or isn’t very good at what they are supposed to be good at, even if they fooled a whole lot of other people with a few jargony words.

We get into the thriller area of friendships and love relationships when the secrets start to come out.

To a Old Souls*, an idealist, there is very few things that they consider “secrets”. They may keep certain things to themselves, they don’t really have a need to share secrets because they don’t react to secrets the same way as the Young Soul*. To the Old Souls*, the only people whose opinion they care about is the people who they truly love. These are the people who they tell their embarrassing secrets to if they have any, and if these people decide to have an issue about it, they simply figure “too bad too sad” and move on. If the people they love are OK with the secrets, it doesn’t matter who else knows. Their opinion doesn’t matter. The Old Souls* judge you on your intolerance much more than the Young Soul* realizes, “if you think this is an issue, you can go fuck yourself with your narrow mindedness rather than make me feel the slightest bit embarrassed.” To the Old Souls*, nothing is as off-putting as someone passing judgement on something superficial or petty, and they are, essentially, judgemental of nothing but being judgemental – even when it comes to intolerance; and they are difficult people to figure out. That is why simple secret exchanging isn’t enough to tie them in – and this post is far too short to go into the complications of a Old Souls* mind… That many of you are yourself so no need, either.

the Young Soul* think differently. They create trust by exchanging secrets with a person they have no real trust with. It would be a Old Souls* equivalent of passing each other a trigger to the bomb strapped around their own chest, “I trust you with this. I trust you will not blow me up. To make sure of it, I will need reassurance from you that you won’t blow me up… Let’s exchange triggers…” 

A the Old Souls* can tell a lot of secret-like information to nearly anyone, considering that this is just a light chit chat, while the Young Soul* thinks they are being given a trigger after trigger after trigger… They feel like this is the dumbest person ever being so trusting. In the meanwhile, the Old Souls* is thinking: “I don’t care if you publish this stuff on the front page of the New York Times if you feel like it, this stuff means nothing.” The only thing they would feel dumb about is to think that someone who they talked about this stuff in confidence would be as low as to do that, the content in itself wouldn’t matter, just thinking that a person they liked to talk to was moronic enough to do something like this without them noticing that they would.

And they will if they know what the name of the game is.

The difficulty is this. Both the Old Souls* and the Young Soul* who are intimately friends with someone love hearing their secrets. The Old Souls* are simply enthralled about the marvel that this person is, their quirks and their darkness or their romanticism or what not, while the Young Soul* marvel at the power that the other is giving them by putting all their secrets into their hands – particularly if that other person is a celebrity. The Old Souls* will think: “Oh I love you for being so dark, so wonderful in your thinking, I love that this is who you are, I love the fact I know you..!” but the Young Soul* will think: “Oh I love how you are in love with me, I love you how you give me power, I loathe the way you think and I love that you allow me to know your secrets that I will tell everyone if you leave or hurt me.”

To the Young Soul* of this type, the secrets are a collateral. “I will tell you my secrets so that you know I intend to stay with you and I have no intention to harm you… And if I will, I will suffer the appropriate punishment.” When a Old Souls* parts with their secrets without a second thought, they may interpret this as either stupidity or a sign of absolute trust.

Another form of use for the secrets is to tell them to other people in the presence of the friend or the lover to demonstrate how they trusted them with this secret. “I am fine with this secret, she/he trusted me with it…” this is to mark territory. “MY friend” “My lover”: Hands off. A the Old Souls* may also share the “secrets” of their loved one, just to let others in on the marvel that is their lover. “He / She is amazing. You know what he / she told me?” Knowing their partner would not be likely to tell this thing to anyone because they wouldn’t know if it was appropriate or not to share it in front of their partner’s friends, or whether they would seem like bragging if they told the story themselves… Because a Old Souls* is always a little bit of a sexual or substance using daredevil… When they would share the story of when they got drunk and had sex with 10 people, they would keep it to themselves in order to not brag, (male or female) but the Young Soul* would keep this to themselves out of shame, guilt, and fear of judgement – and as a collateral to use as an exchange for their friend’s secrets.

People also use secrets extracted from other people to strengthen their relationships with the people who they love the most. For instance, they tell their best friend what their lover told them, to show the best friend that nobody will ever get in between us; “even if I’m in a relationship, I am always loyal to you”. People who wish to keep their sexual relationship as their primary one should keep well away from people who hold their friend to a higher regard than their lover – just a compatibility issue, not to judge. It’s just that if you’re not ALL in love with each other, someone is going to get hurt, and it’s the one with less emotional value to the one in the middle. We all sense when we are the secondary, but we shouldn’t settle for a love relationship in which we are the secondary – unless that feels comfortable to you, too.

It is important we can identify the game the other team is playing before we get too deep into relationships we do not really want. The Old Souls* should refrain from talking too personal stuff with people who they identify as the Young Soul* simply to not give them the impression of a deeper relationship than what they are willing to give them, and at the same time, the Young Soul* shouldn’t engage in relationships with the Old Souls*, who, to them, will always be elusive; the Young Soul*’s hold on a Old Souls* is only partial, and can cause a lot of pain through a simple incompatibility issue. The Young Soul*, also, to a Old Souls* can be dangerous, because the Old Souls* is rarely hurt by things that the Young Soul* feels is tearing their heart out, so unwittingly the Old Souls* walks all over the Young Soul*, who will be left with a need for revenge, while the Old Souls* can barely remember their name. The Young Soul* will feel invalidated, and feel the Old Souls* is a heartless devil who deserves a lesson, the more cruel a lesson they can cook up, the better… Enter Amber Heard versus Johnny Depp. The Old Souls* will think that this attack comes right out of the blue, while the Young Soul* thinks the Old Souls* has been abusive and dismissive the whole time – while they simply haven’t realized, for instance, that their secrets were meant as actual secrets. (What, that? The fact that you wore powder-colored underwear in college? That’s a secret?!)

The stuff that matters to the Young Soul* is so weird to a Old Souls*, that they can’t comprehend the importance of the “secrets”. The same is true in reverse, but the fact is, that while the Old Souls* have been blabbing these secrets out without a second thought because they didn’t think they were real secrets, because, whoever would care, really, they’re just fun anecdotes to them, not real secrets, and that’s why they may write them onto their public blog *ehrm* and think nothing of it, while the Young Soul* sees that as an absolute betrayal of trust and a call for a out-and-out war. To a Old Souls*, if you haven’t killed anybody or robbed a bank, a secret isn’t really a secret, particularly not among people who you call friends. At the same time, if they don’t like you, they will dob you in without blinking, if they think your friendship isn’t worth the danger of keeping a secret from the law enforcement.

So. There you go. Who to trust your secrets with…. and why would they talk.

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