Turning immune to guilting and shaming
Psychopaths are said to be people who have very little emotional responses to other people, namely the feelings of guilt and shame. However, this doesn’t quite cover it. The lack of emotional response shouldn’t be selective, but to classify as a psychopath, a person should feel immune to ALL emotions, including needing power, admiration, (why would the opinion of other people matter to someone who doesn’t care?) love, attention, etc, often traits linked to psychopathy, especially by those who don’t see the difference between a narcissistic personality disorder (need to control how others view and feel about you) and psychopathy (absence of emotion or compassion).
Let’s just wind this back a little, I’ll take this to a personal level.
I took up spirituality to figure out why I felt so stuck in my life in 2010. I had gotten married, didn’t have kids, which was perfect as I have always been decidedly childfree, but I couldn’t quite think of anything I’d want to spend my time on professionally speaking. Nothing felt exciting or sustainable. I discovered my purpose in studying psychology through spiritual means, and, as I summed it up through one type of spiritual/psychological process: “I wanted to understand everything.”
This wasn’t a grandiose moment by any means, quite the opposite. It was the most humble moment in my life. I acknowledged it as my personal flaw (and please don’t assign grandiosity to that, either) that I was as stupid and curious and impossible to please as that, I wanted to understand everything. I shrugged my shoulders and let go of it, after all, who in their right mind would even consider getting to that point in life!
About a year from there, I started feeling nudges to follow up on that realization. They seemed to come outside of me rather than due to my frustration or dissatisfaction, but more “so okay were you serious?” kind of a nudge from “the universe”. And I figured that opening one box wouldn’t hurt. And I followed a box after box after box until I got to the state where I started to think it would be possible to understand everything – or at least what “everything” meant to me at the time.
As time went on, I realized I was a lot smarter than what I previously had thought I was. This was not an ego-built smart as a lot of spiritual people wind up feeling, you know how they know everything better than everyone else because they know what “namaste” means? I simply realized that all my life, I had tried to control my own mind and thinking, to stop inappropriate thoughts from rising, I tried to stop myself from criticizing other people, and treating people who I didn’t think were competent as incompetent. I had tried so hard to not think of myself as being smarter than others, that I spent the majority of my energy to stop thinking too highly of myself and so “lowly” of others.
So, I gave myself the full permission to think freely and to observe the reality that I live in and the people I live with in a realistic light and stop photo editing them all the time.
I realized that I had a narcissistic belief that what I think of others matters to them so much, that I should remain their friend and to pretend to like them because their world would become such a nasty place if I didn’t hang out with them. To a degree, that is true. There are other narcissists out there who want others around them to pretend they are liked – even if they knew it was only pretence! I figured I was not going to play that game and to only hang out with people I genuinely like – unless I really couldn’t avoid it, as sometimes you simply can’t.
During this spiritual practise, one of the first things I did, was to knowingly teach myself the ability to “hear spirits”, as in clairaudience. I always found it fascinating when people spoke of it, so I did that, and even though it took me several failed attempts, I finally managed it, gradually increasing in strength. By the end of 2012, I no longer needed to use tools, such as a pendulum, to keep the connection open.
Psychology would now call me a skitsofrenic or say I have “hallucinations” or that I have psychotic episodes. I don’t know what the actual diagnosis would be, but on the first discussion with a psychiatrist, he gave me a tentative “well some people believe in spirit but it could be psychosis or schizophrenia.” During the session he was making notes, and I could almost visualize how he discarded everything that didn’t fit his idea of a condition or another. The next time, a year later, I saw him to fetch my papers and have a quick talk without having seen him between this time and the previous time, after he had obviously reread his notes, he was quite a bit more assured it was schizophrenia.
As my ability to hear voices grew, (I use that expression to more describe what is happening than what you should think of it,) so did my inability to stop the voices. They became constant. I believe that these voices are my friends, family, anyone I’ve ever heard of or seen on the street, as, I believe, we, humans, animals, spirits of this universe, are all connected in the spirit. Therefore it doesn’t matter if someone is rich or well known, poor or living on the street, in spirit we can all communicate, provided we can hold our attention on each other. The attention of a spirit is very short if they really aren’t interested they will kind of vanish out of your spirit circle, and pop back in kind of like a student nodding at class; they’ll forget they’re there, unless someone is talking to them or about them specifically. The only person who has managed to leave this circle while he was being talked about was Dalai Lama. I reminded him he should be too concerned what mere mortals are talking about him behind his back, and he replied: “You’re right” and vanished. Nobody else has been able to resist that temptation of listening in on what is said about them. (He is back now, but the circumstances are different, too, we no longer guard our borders and everyone is more or less welcome.)
So… As the voices were constant, sometimes talking while I was trying to sleep, or during my sleep, mixing into it, I became VERY familiar with everyone around me. This included all of my old friends, some of whom were downright obsessed with the idea of us renewing our friendship. The reason was, that I had became very good friends with the spirits of some very important people, because we, essentially, thought very much along the same lines. I had more incommon with these famous people than my former friends. MUCH, MUCH more incommon.
The people who I found easy to talk to weren’t limited to the rich and the famous, some of them homeless and in a circle of drug addictions, a few people I connected with were doing time for murders, one of the strongest connections to a man who was in death row in America for murdering a child. I felt these people were like me, and I found I was no longer shocked by ANYTHING anyone had done, I found understanding to the level that I could see myself successfully defend anyone for violent crimes as my understanding of what drives people to such deeds increased.
As I became kind of the “next huge celebrity in waiting” my former friends went a little mental. Not all of them, but let’s just say there were surprises. And now begun the game of “who gets to be Riina’s next best friend and right hand”.
And I can certainly say I didn’t feel emotionless. 😀 I went from full blown murderous rage and wrath to absolute state of belonging (together with my men) and love within seconds depending on who I was talking to. I wasn’t a person who was angry, I was a person who was angry at certain people and in love with others.
There are people who want to believe that we should react to all people the same way. If I am a loving person, I should love everyone equally and if I feel hate towards one person, that should make me a hateful person or “a person who has a lot of anger inside of them”, shaming us for “being discriminating” with our emotions or “a bad person” if we don’t simply love everyone around us. Clearly, that is lunacy, and, by the way, leads to split personality in people who truly feel guilty for having different emotions for different people, so their mind splits so they have the angry me, the sad me, the nice me, the spiritual me… (Carl Jung (Now Johnny Depp) and Antonia Wolff (my previous incarnation) in my head remind/tell me that Carl started that idea. That we are either a loving person, or a hateful person, or that our emotions and the control thereof defines us as a person. He says he used this to justify his polygynous tendencies; if he’s able to love one woman, then he would be the kind of a man who loves women. (He should have just quit with me, I say, but that’s just my opinion. 😉 ))
So. As I was sitting among all of these people with different kinds of attitudes about everything, I found that the females around me were full of resentment against me because I said that I wanted to focus on my romantic relationships rather than friendships. They could not comprehend or wrap their minds around a situation in which a woman would prioritize her relationships to MEN over the relationships to her friends. So there was a lot of guilting, rationalising, shaming me for being “their bitch” or whatever, and after a long while trying to negotiate a compromise, TO THE LEVEL OF promising exclusive Barbie dolls to my Barbie collecting friends as a sign of good faith (if I ever joined my rich and famous friends on the ivory tower) and promising parties, and fashion label promotion deals and whatever, as my new friends in spirit were such that nothing would be out of my reach if we got what we all wanted: to live together in love and peace and absolute MIND BLOWING sex!
I realized that the bribes weren’t enough. The women were pleased up to a point but then asked for more. I realized that all my life I had tried to give these people enough, but all they’d see is that I was “willing to do anything for them” or that “I was paying for their friendship” when I was simply trying to tell them that I don’t hate them and that I wasn’t the enemy here.
Gradually I realized this wasn’t going to work. I simply wound up having had enough, and I realized there was no REASON to why I should humor these people. They interpreted it that what they were asking was too complicated for me or that I thought they didn’t love me, and that I gave up trying to please them out of low self-esteem. In reality I realized that giving them what they wanted was only strengthening the bond, not satisfying their lack, as I saw them as beggars of love and approval, so I stopped feeding a bottomless well because I didn’t really care for them.
I became immune to their opinions, their guilt trips, their shaming attempts – because once you completely lose your respect for someone, their opinion of you means fuck all. As I understood their motivations better, my respect died along with the pity and compassion.
I started enjoying the process of them trying to find a flaw in me that would prove to me that I am, after all, their equal (realistically a laughable idea no matter who you ask) and how much they were willing to grovel and suffer through just to win my obedience back.
I don’t think they love me or admire me, more to the point they are peeved because I “no longer” consider them my superiors. (I never did, but the way they interpreted my kindliness was servitude and submission, which would make them my superiors.)
I realized I had an unusual ability (that I thought was as common as oxygen) to read and interpret other people’s emotions on a high level of accuracy, but even so, I often got confused or misled because their motivations were so different to those of my own that I couldn’t accurately interpret them any more than they could accurately interpret me.
As I also discovered giving oneself a permission to actually think freely, I unlocked a massive amount of unused potential and started to piece things together; namely the interactions between people (and their emotions, which is essentially what people are; thoughts and emotions and feelings and obsessions all living inside meat).
I found the ability to start managing massive amounts of emotional data and do processes in my mind to explain the behaviors and interactions between people, the misunderstandings and the reasons why we are all so unhappy and unfulfilled… And so often that is nearly always avoiding the people we love and admire the absolute most.
The reason is the guilt trip we all get for thinking we are somehow special or important.
Anyone with a keen sense of right or wrong and willingness to do right, coupled with a high iq, high level of talent, unusual beauty, high level of success or inherited wealth or whatever, whenever we have ANY REASON to feel special or important, we all get slammed down by the people who still want to keep their reigns on people of superior abilities. (I don’t mean superior in the sense of super powers, even though they sometimes feel that way.)
It takes a while for a person to get gut full of guilt trips over nothing, especially as you’ve never asked these people for the first favor or for them to in any way change who they are for your own comfort levels. That is ‘our’ failure in human interaction, we should be more demanding and push back a little before we blow up, but we don’t and here’s there reason why: When you don’t really like someone, and highly intelligent people rarely like medium IQ people that much because they are deathly boring and predictable, it feels phoney and manipulative to start asking them to accommodate us, because we’re only there for as long as we need to be, right? You don’t want to make a hotel go through a renovation simply because you’re going to stay there for one night because your car broke down on the way through town, right…
But then you realize your car didn’t break down on it’s own, it was a deliberate trap to make you stay in town because you’re special.
Pardon my analogy and here’s where I need a little further stretch of your idea of how reality works: a lot of people believe in The Law of The Truest Wish, which is the ability of a person to invite events that they feel are positive or exciting into their lives through spirit. This emotional ability to create our reality is amazingly powerful, and also 100% accurate. It digs into your deepest desires, the ones you don’t even know are there, and they tap and match it to the people who have the power of giving you what you want… Whatever it is that brings it about.
I needed to understand everything, and the Universe knew my priorities would quickly change after coming to contact with, what I call my True Emotion Mirrors , the men I love so much my head spins, and once I’d realize I’m a naturally polyandrous woman with the expectation of being a monogamously living polygynist like the grand majority of women are… The Universe knew that if I got what I TRULY wanted the most first, which is my ultimate romance, I would never spend enough time thinking things through… The Universe also knew that I wanted to truly heal the world and to make this world a better place… A perfect place, my true absolute desire is to make everyone happy, but it knew that this wish was still secondary wish for my love for my men and that is why it had to lock me into this “town” that would force me to spend time with despicable people who I would have blindly supported and promoted if I had been given the podium too soon.
I never wanted to see anything bad in anyone before, and that meant I was surrounded by untrustworthy people – not necessarily by their motivation (most people want to do good) but by their abilities (most people want to think they’re competent even when they’re nothing of the sort). I would have let THE WORST PERSON right into the heart of my own paradise if I hadn’t had this time to sit and think and ponder it all.
But it did get ugly. I would sit there screaming at the walls, demanding these people to leave me alone, knowing there was nothing I could do to make them go away – you can’t grab a spirit to throw her out, the only means to do that is to become untouchable. The way you do that is to understand their motivations, what they want, why they want it, and then create a situation in which either you all get what you want (most likely) or they no longer can harm you even if they tried. I think, sadly, I’m on the way of neutralizing them, my female karmic soulmates, even though I really want to make them suffer and regret they ever thought they were my equal. But I do hope they’ll suffer incredibly before they’re completely neutralized as soul connections.
This need, by the way, again, serves a higher good. Even though we sometimes NEED TO humiliate other people, we feel such a deep wrath and loathing… Suppressing it does something nobody thinks about: Let’s these people think their good is good enough to be respected by everyone. If you don’t reject someone, they are left with the illusion they are your equal in every way, talent, smarts, looks, how interesting they are and so forth. The lower the IQ the stronger the illusion, because nobody wants to really hurt someone who they don’t see as a threat.
So… Once someone who has been given the way in despite them being out of their league starts to truly believe they are your equal, but nobody REALLY gives them the same respect and admiration as others receive, they start feeling like they are being short changed in this equation. Their lower IQ prevents them from seeing where they fail and how they differ from the actually talented – or why it matters. They will also feel like YOU are withholding love and admiration, because everyone else gets it but you are not giving it back, so they retaliate by removing their love and admiration from the actual benchmark people. The envied ones.
For instance… A while back still, I had a discussion with a former friend of mine about our looks. I use this example because one would think that physical appearance is pretty damned obvious, right? OK. How shall I put this. I was, at the time, at the same weight as what is now considered the absolute minimum for professional French models to protect them from being driven to anorexia, and I had a pretty much the perfect figure and the perfect face with a little extra character added with a nose that was just a little bit too big to be considered “common”. In other words, modelling gold, if I had chosen that path.
My friend, not so much. Everything I just said was the opposite, except that she was under weight, too, (albeit carried some extra around her waist) but her body was disproportionate making her joints too large and her disproportionate skeletal structure entirely too obvious. She had an unimpressive round head with a flat face that, quite frankly looked like she’d run into a wall. Her fingers were wide at the base and narrow at the tip, a quality that was, to me, quite likely the most heartbreaking part; if a girl can’t even have beautiful fingers, I thought, she has surely been hit with the ugly stick one too many times. She had her good qualities, I offer graciously, but dazzling good looks weren’t one of them. However, she was quite adamant that she was almost as equal a beauty as I was. ALMOST. Why? Because everyone accepted her into the group and everyone else was a pro model level beauty or a beau? A beautiful male. Everyone around her was unusually beautiful. (Not perfect, I suppose, but unusually good looking nonetheless.)
We all accepted this girl into the group, because she was a friend of mine and we all kinda felt sorry for her and even wanted to make her feel like a real part of the group. We THOUGHT she knew what it all was about, and we admired her ability to completely ignore our level differences and to just grab every little thing that went her way and run with it. We thought she was one of the bravest little things we’ve ever known… Until we figured out she’s also one of the most manipulative people we’ve ever known. We, I believe it was all of us, chose to look the other way because we felt sorry for her. If she had been a true beauty, equal to us, and otherwise physically healthy (which she wasn’t), nobody would have tolerated behavior like that on her part, if we would have thought that her self-admiration was actually not a half-joke but serious, we might have reacted differently, but… We wanted her to have her fantasy. Furthermore, we, at least I, thought that she was a happenstance, we’d hang out with her for this lifetime and then we’d never see her again… Wrong. We had already spend countless of lifetimes tied to this woman and all of the sudden, it didn’t feel all that fun or harmless anymore. She had caused decapitations, genocides, witch hunts, you name it, her hands were elbow deep in blood and guts, but we always thought of her as the innocent one out of the lot.
So… The higher good. For as long as we allow someone to believe they are equal to others ALREADY (with such little effort, too!) we allow them to create a false sense of self and a situation in which they don’t HAVE TO evolve to get what they want. All this makes sense if you believe in one life per person, but if you realize we have an eternity to spend, and that we all reincarnate countless and countless of times until forever, you realize that this is like allowing a kid keep failing their grades. This slows down our evolution as a species and harms them as individuals, so… The need to completely ram something home to someone is an act of ramming an unpleasant truth in so that they will be forced to rebuild themselves from the ground up: From what is REAL,the truth, not what is said to be real. To lay the foundations on something lasting.
It also feels good when someone has enough respect for you to treat you with honesty and truth, and who knows you can take a beating and defend yourself. We often pull our punches when we don’t feel threatened, and that is disrespect: it literally means you don’t think they can hold their own in a conversation against you. It’s talking down at them. Therefore, the only respectful thing to do to a person picking a fight is to fight back; so you’ll take them seriously enough to at least consider them a contestant; even if you have to hit them back so hard it sends them flying back into the little leagues. (Apply to women who are claiming to be worthy of their full dollar but aren’t really worthy of their 75 cents if you’re honest. Note: The women who aren’t doesn’t mean ALL women, does it? Only those who have more air in their act than a rubber balloon.)
And don’t you agree an accolade truly earned feels a thousand times better than praise given just to humor you? When you wrangle a trophy out of hands that have no intention of giving it to you? Receiving it for free or as a favor is removing the value of the prize entirely. How deflating would it be if the English national cricket team captain handed over the Ashes to the Australian team with a lovely smile on his face saying: “There you go mate, I think you should have it, because… Well, you’re so nice, and we’re too busy to actually play a game over it… It doesn’t mean that much to us anyway so you have it!” No! The Ashes have to be fought over, wrestled over… Well, batted over but you see the point. (Having said that, to avoid confusion in another important point I must make a side remark that what we truly want shouldn’t be valued by how difficult it is to get it, for instance, a lover shouldn’t be directly equated as a prize pony. That is why I tell people to not to be afraid to be easy to their true loves – if they truly love you, they still want you even if you’re easy to have… Then again, sometimes the games of love seem like a race, so if it feels like fun and love, go for it, obsession, well. Everything has to run its course; and our emotion and excitement always comes from somewhere so oppressing or controlling emotion is never wise, which is the point I’m trying to make in this post but in a different context.)
One form of manipulation is to make people keep their private lives private. This is never as true as with celebrities, but also apply to unknown people. The reason why this feels so important to some people is because they want to be the ones deciding what people are saying about you. They feel they are protecting your reputation, when in fact, they want to ensure the people who THEY LIKE will also like you, an extension of the circle of friends or family you belong in. However, if you don’t like the same people, you should never allow them to speak on your behalf or for them to sencor you, as you’ll be ruined for those people who you truly love, and dragged back to the people you allow to lie on your behalf in future lifetimes as they are trying to train you into what they’d like you to be.
That said, here I sit, looking contemptuously at my opponents as they struggle to find a flaw in my reasoning. They go back and forth in psychological theories trying to explain to themselves why I am wrong and they are right, to restore their own narcissistic source of being mentally more stable than I am and their idea of reality, why I am the one with the problems and they will be able to fix it all if only they find the weak spot that will bring down what they are convinced is a house of cards. And with every weak spot they find, I cheer: if they find something that is not right, I am able to fix it. Adjust. Find the balance. And as they try to get closer to me by finding cracks in my hull, I get further away, as everything they can find to hold me in place, I’ll patch up and fix the leak.
I’m ready to sail, soon.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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