Wean the Survivalist* off you.

If you are struggling to get away from someone, you may feel that you have to employ strategies that are… Dispicable. I’ve certainly utilized and even recommended a few. Let’s try this first. Let your the Survivalist* get gradually used to you leaving, rather than you fighting your way out of the situation.

I assume you are the Idealists*.

the Idealists* are people who are capable of falling in love at first sight and who subconsciously expect themselves to fall in love in that way. To them, the Survivalist* of marriage and bonding is unromantic and tiresome, and their way of conducting relationships even more so. Therefore, you need to understand the type of romance and how they feel about it, to even know how to reject them. The Idealists* romanticize lifelong romantic love, and they assume the Survivalist* do, too, but they don’t. They romanticize life-long partnerships. They romanticize temporary romances and life-long friendships/partnerships, whereas the Idealists* romanticize life-long connections that ignite on instinct, often at first sight.

the Idealists* often talk themselves out of that instinct because the Survivalist* desperately and loudly pursues a partnership… A temporary one if a permanent one isn’t there to be found. They want safety and security like the world was in a constant state of a Zombie apocalypse… Which is what it would take for their level of desperation to make sense to a Idealists*. If the world was a scary place like in a Zombie movie, SURE, gather around all the people you can find and form an alliance… But what is Zombie apocalypse level scary to the Survivalist* is… life. Namely, people who think as they themselves do. They are so… Rough people, they don’t even want a relationship with their own kind, it seems to me.

You have to act with a level of compassion. Just imagine zombies are knocking on your door. “Baby, I have to leave in the spring. Before I leave, I will ensure you have enough rations to survive until you find yourself a new protector.” (This also applies to the Cat Thinking women who are leaving the Survivalist* man.)

A Survivalist*

A Survivalist* is someone with very low standards for a friend or a lover, who falls in love with another person’s physical proximity – presence, familiarity, and reliability of being there. They value the fact you are or were there before, NOT who you are as a person – as an individual. This is someone who loves your similarities to them, however minor, and wants to MORPH into each other, gradually or in one big go. A Survivalist* considers CHANGING to match their partner a sign of love, and HELPING another person to change into their mirror image an act of love. If you don’t try to change them they see it as either insecurity and submission or a sign of rejection. (the Idealists* look for ready-made similarity and consider (forcibly) changing another person a violation of their trust and disrespect for their unique characteristics, even if they don’t love those characteristics.)

Act like you’ll be “leaving in the spring”.

First, you’ll have to find a way to relax. You cannot get angry with this stranger you’re living with. It wouldn’t be appropriate. You live in their house, (potentially one you built but detach yourself emotionally from the house).

Reverse these processes with them. Gradually start wearing different types of clothes, the “unapproved” but not so fast that they’d take it as a sign of rebellion or you trying to deliberately piss them off. Maybe wear a bracelet from the past, start growing your hair long again, and start going to the gym, for example. The Survivalist* like to “nest”, which means they tend to gain a lot of weight during a relationship, and if they’ve dragged you into it, start minding your health again and prepare yourself for a new single life. This will subconsciously prepare your partner to the fact you’re leaving. Gives them time to adjust to that inevitability.

Take a mindset of you having spent the winter in a town, fallen in love with a local girl or boy, and now that the spring is approaching, it’s time for you to start preparing for a hard road ahead. The time is not there yet, but it’s approaching, right? If you can literally time this with spring, the effect is probably going to be the best, even romantic. Take on this “strong silent type” personality. Imagine you don’t like to speak, everything that you say must happen in mute or in 2 or 3 words at a time. You’ll have to make all IMPORTANT emotional signals non-verbal. (Silence treatment, temper tantrums about something other than the topic… Stop communicating with words, because the Survivalist* simply do not understand word-emotion connection. They read stuff between the lines only.)

When it feels right, move out of the bedroom. You may not need to at all, you can basically still have a sexual relationship with them to the last day, as long as you find the romance in it, but if you can’t make it romantic, you probably want to end that part of your relationship when it feels natural to do so.

It is best if you can get them used to the idea of leaving. You have to get used to the idea that you have every right to leave.

When you actually are 5-days from moving out.

Before moving, arrange everything you can without your partner.

Just before you leave, about 5-7 days from moving out, bring up any practical issues that need sorting out. Approach the topic with a: “Now that I’m leaving we need to sign the divorce papers…” Don’t tell them “you think you should get divorced” or anything that suggests “they didn’t know” or “they have a chance to change your mind.” Maybe: “You are aware that I am divorcing you, aren’t you?” will be a good start. ASSUME they know, even if you had no reason to suspect they knew. Act like it’s a given you’re leaving.

Kids

If you have kids, make the best possible plan for the children ready, then present the matter as “decided”. Where you need their input, you’ll present them with the choices: “Do you prefer taking the kids on Friday at 6 after school or Saturday at 8 am…” Don’t ask them for their contribution in the arrangements, just ask them to choose from what you’ve already considered – and make those options doable for them.

From here on in, keep to every schedule and meet all the agreed points without fail. If you fail, profusely apologize and never do it again. This is because if you start failing on these points, your the Survivalist* ex will think you’re asking to be taken care of and you’re not doing well without them. Don’t agree to anything you cannot keep. However, reserve the right to change your mind when it suits you. I know this is contractionary, but you cannot have too rigid ego when you’re dealing with the Survivalist*. You need to allow yourself to dodge and weave at times. Otherwise they’ll hold you to your virtues, and you’re trapped.

Shockingly, it maybe in the best interest of your the Survivalist* Thinking children to not keep in contact.

Make it very clear to your ex what they can and cannot expect from you. If you want a clean break, make it a clean break. You could even negotiate a clean break for one of you from the kids, (you’re leaving in the spring never to return, are you going to take the kids with you or leave them) but that’s obviously going to be a big hard no for most people. However, you COULD, depending on your children. If they are dog type, they’ll take to a breakup from their parent quite well, but NOT to a parent who keeps coming and going and stopping them from building a replacement relationship to a step mom or a step dad.

It maybe in the best interest of your the Survivalist* Thinking children to not insist on a relationship with them. (If they’re constantly angry with you trying, they’re probably the Survivalist* and they want to know which parent to stay loyal to – which one of you actually wants them. The Cat Thinking children will understand a divorce A LOT BETTER than the Survivalist* will, but WILL NOT understand why a parent would just vanish on their child.)

With the Survivalist*, you are completely replaceable, which is why the Survivalist* and the Idealists* love very differently. That is also your way out: you are replaceable to the Survivalist*. You could even arrange a replacement relationship for them if you have someone in mind. You could then take a secondary position in the lives of the Survivalist* children who you leave behind, but if you have the Idealists* children, they are yours no matter what, but less needy and much more independent than the Survivalist* kids.

Know that the crying and carrying on is just dramatic theatre to let you know you WERE once loved.

The Survivalist* tend to replace small emotions with a lot of drama. Therefore, if they put on a dramatic show when you’re leaving, just join in. Cry and carry on, even if you can’t really do it, even if just to be polite, do it to your best ability, but don’t change your mind about leaving. You “HAVE TO” leave, and you don’t actually have to tell them WHY you’re leaving. In fact, if they ever during this process ask for your reasons, don’t volunteer them. Keep them deliberately “bottled up” until you finally reveal “the truth.” They don’t believe anything volunteered to be true, but they think you’ll struggle to say it, you WANT TO say it, but you’re just scared to.

Eventually, when you’ve refused to talk about it enough, you can say: “I don’t love you anymore/enough.” It’s also important to say “anymore or enough” because to them, it’s important that you once did love them (some)… Say it that way EVEN IF you didn’t, and just focus on the little love you probably felt at some stage.

The dramatics are not there, by the way, to stop you from leaving but to encourage you to leave. A Survivalist* needs to know they WERE loved, and they try to express the same to you; you WERE loved once, and it’s so sad when a love affair dies, and declines into silence and doubt…

Madonna’s Goodnight and Thank You is an excellent display of the Survivalist* thinking.

I suspect Evita was a Idealists* thinker, “we have pretended enough” is a Idealists* phrase: “We want to be in love, but we’re not. Let’s face it,” but the musical is interpreted through the Survivalist* thinking woman. At any rate, this song quite brilliantly highlights the way the Survivalist* think of relationships: “For as long as I find you useful, we are friends/lovers.” But that doesn’t stop them from employing dramatics. The point is that they FULLY accept being discarded or moved on from once they are no longer useful, and they only take it as an insult if they feel they can further your career or that they can do something for you that you don’t fully appreciate or take advantage of.

They may try bargaining with you by offering their further services if they find you useful, but other than that, they’ll let you go easily. You may need to display someone MORE useful to you to make them understand WHY you must leave them. The ultimate insult to the Survivalist* is when you leave them to be alone or with someone who they regard their equal by their status. They ONLY see status differences between people; they see themselves as an EQUAL OPTION AS A PARTNER to ANYONE, and the only difference between people is how much money they make or what their social status is. So if you struggle to get away from someone like this, you have to INCREASE YOUR WEALTH, not decrease it (to make you less useful/interesting to them, instead, you’ll just make them more useful to you). They also love useful people genuinely and see no moral conflict in it. What else are people for?!

If this is a former best friend.

If the person you’re trying to get away from is a former friend who is trying to “get back” with you or refuses to notice what “ghosting” is supposed to do to the relationship, you’ll have to employ “empty plans” strategy.

Make empty promises of a joint night out or some great thing you can do together in the future but never finalize the plans. You know the type. “Absolutely; as soon as I’ll finish this project, we’ll get together and have a full-blown girl’s night out! It will be amazing!” (Fake friendly tone is fine and very effective.) When you finish that project, come up with a new one, prioritize your children or your parents or another friend, and keep doing this until they get tired of your flakiness. This is why the Survivalist* love the Idealists*; the Idealists* suck at lying, and even the thought of doing this will give them the freaking creeps, but that’s why it’s so effective…

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