What if you don’t want to be what you are?

I am going to tell you a personal story to illuminate the point, it is so fresh in my mind that I can’t really generalize it quite yet, but I am sure this will awaken a few new pathways in some of you.

My life went from exciting to fairly boring when I started to kick about to free myself from a friend who I felt I was attached to by the hip but no longer wanted to be. I started consciously looking for a new best friend because the one I had was a bit too much work for my energy levels that were getting drained by her. Ever since then, without me realizing until today, my soul has been fought for the void that my former best friend left behind. It has felt like I cannot move on with my life until this position has been filled by another woman; submissive to me.

What this position did, really, was to be the girl who gets the spoils of my men. As a natural Polyandrist, there’s always men around me, and as I was trying to live a monogamous life, there was always going to be spoils that the sidekick could pick her favorite(s) out of. When I realized I was, indeed, polyandrous, the role was debatable, because I didn’t want a sidekick anymore, but the women around me would sort of second-guess what that role would be like, and what were the perks. During Psychic Conversations with my spirit following (I can’t call them all spirit guides) I would constantly hear the question “what does it take to be your friend?” and I would reply: “I don’t need/want a friend” and the women would then have to guess for themselves what it is that gets my attention.

A young woman figured it out: To get close to me, one has to be in need of help and protection. That is exactly how my first sidekick got me with, granted that I was also in a desperate need of a friend at 16, when I felt it was absolutely unthinkable to stand in the school yard alone for a recess or two. Although my new friend had friends, I was a different kind to what she was used to, and she got… pardon me for saying so, a social uplift by making friends with me. I had always been one of the “it girls” without realizing it myself; as far as I was concerned, I was just lucky not being bullied from all directions, but due to my mother’s insistance of never buying me clothes from anywhere but brand shops, I stood out as the one girl (of two) who were always dressed in the latest fashion. I didn’t care, and I couldn’t have, then, picked who else was wearing brands and who did not, but, nonetheless, I was a snob and what not in other people’s eyes, and definitely, that much I knew, my old friends were cool. Then, I no longer were, but it was still better to hang out with me than the regulars of the special need teacher’s class.

I wanted to do the right thing by my new friend, and I wanted to give her a self-esteem boost and I wanted her to feel good about herself. Even if I felt nerdy, I still had this weird self-confidence, I kind of accepted what I was without the need to prove to be anything different, and I knew that cost me friends and popularity but I had no interest trying to fit in or to please people whose opinion of me couldn’t  matter to me less.

Fast forward 10 years, my friend started to behave like she owned me, or that I was accountable to her of my actions and whereabouts. She started pointing out men that she wanted and tell me I couldn’t go near them because she was unlucky with men and therefore I owed her a fair go, she had to be allowed to go there first, and even if she failed, the men she had picked out belonged to her. I started to withraw, and after I came out of a long term relationship that had sort of busted my self-confidence to all time low, and in my absence she had made strides to take my position in our group of friends, I started feeling less and less happy about having her as a friend, but I still felt responsible for her in some obscure way.

When she married, I couldn’t have been happier. Not for her, but for myself, I was free at last. I never wanted to see her again. For a while, I felt free.

When I opened my psychic abilities and my ability to converse with the spirit world directly rather than through emotion and gut feeling as I had done before, she was back. Not at first, I don’t think, but when my soulmates, all very handsome (and some very famous) men started to collect around me again, she was back from the obscurity; I was starting to become cool again.

At first, I was actually over-joyed. We laughed at our early antics for two weeks in a row, hysterically, driving my soulmates a little crazy because I am not normally a giggler, but the laughter came to a halt when the thoughts that I could not hold to myself in this setting started pouring into her consciousness. The way I truly had felt about her, my dislike of some of her character traits, my feelings of superiority and the like, all of those started to seep into her consciousness as I tried my hardest to keep those feelings to myself… And the war started.

4 years now I have been fighting for my freedom from her. I started to make a good dent into the chains a few weeks back, but what happened was that other women took her place as soon as she left it. There was a submissive woman role in my life that needed filling, but I didn’t want one there…

“We have to find your girlfriend.” My guides kept saying. I wouldn’t hear them. “I don’t want one.” But there was a void in my energy that did, in fact, need dealing with.

So… This is where I take this story a little generic: We all have a freedom of choice over who we are. Secondly, we ARE something. Whatever has made us this way is anyone’s guess, the factors are so many and varied that there is little point arguing over why someone’s gay, straight, bi, into accounting, or really talented artist, (what a list of examples!) But it was a clear fact, all of the sudden, that I was a sexually dominant bisexual, whether I liked it or not. Granted, my bisexuality was very much a one-way street; I enjoyed being worshipped by other women without having any wish to touch them myself, but I didn’t even want them for that role, not in reality. And it is an interesting feeling; Your mind says you don’t want this, and yet, there is a role there that defines you. I believe that the position in my energy field had been originally formed through some kind of a practices practise, showing kindness to someone I wouldn’t otherwise show kindness to, in my bid to become a better person. In time, it formed into whatever it is now, but initially, who knows how many lifetimes ago, that is where it got started. Now, ironically, homosexuality, to a large degree, also has to do with religion. The church has always separated men from women, and that creates close bonds between members of the same gender… Need I say anything more about the irony of it?

As far as sexuality goes, I feel it is both a result of training through lifetimes, and as such, something we are born as, but also it is something that we can define and control for ourselves IF WE TRULY don’t want it. Nobody can tell another person to stop being gay for instance, if that connection has already been made, and the person truly doesn’t want to change it (and some do, simply to fit in) but to go completely against someone’s conscious will in order to change their gender preference… Is difficult, but not impossible to do. But what is the good  news… If someone wants to reassign their gender preference for themselves, it requires nothing but a few minutes of meditation.

Now, my bisexuality was taken out by the young woman I mentioned, through visualizing the link that we now shared. She saw us in a kind of a sheer soul sack together, she swung herself around so that the sack wound up between us until it broke, leaving me alone in my own sack and herself in her own – but falling into the abyss of the space that our conversation took place in. This, in her part, showed such heart that I will always love her for it, and if I ever meet her – and I do know her name – I know we will be great friends, without the need of a sexual submissive-dominant role between us. She was truly brave, and I know she will be such an amazing person when she grows up, perhaps growing to be more independent than what she was before.

Visualising things is a superbly powerful spiritual technique for any such change. It sounds so simple, but it is so incredibly powerful. Although I am using a technique that is more intuitive; “feel my way into it”, I would like to point you out to this book; Dina Glauberman and her Life Choices, Life Changes – Image Work. She explains a very usable technique essentially to the same thing that I find a little difficult to teach… But what I do, is that I simply emotionally feel the problem, then try to feel the answer… 😀 I don’t know if it makes any sense but you are certainly welcome to try, doesn’t cost anything but time and potential frustration. 😀 The difference in technique is really that Glauberman teaches you to visualise an object, animal, or a human to represent the issue, and then work with the image to solve the problem. I find that difficult to do personally because it makes the problem external and separate from myself, I much rather FEEL the problem, my own energy field, and use visuals to imagine the way I’d interact with someone should I feel free to do so and such. (The number of murders that have occurred inside my brain..!!) As I go through the interaction, I can connect to the feelings that it represent try and understand what they are about, and then feel my way into “what needs to happen that I no longer would feel that way”. (And the body count has to do A LOT with the fact that I’ve been fighting off women who have been drawn to that very vacant spot…)

I don’t know exactly how long the effects of my today’s visualisation will last, but if I have a relapse and notice that the position reopens, I simply have to do another session, until my new way of existing becomes a steady part of who I am. This is not self-denial because it comes from an authentic wish to be different… And, as another example, very early on to my spiritual escapades, as in about 4 years ago, I saw a possible past life situation, in which I had somehow caused my soulmate to be decapitated due to my pride and greed. I felt a massive sense of NO WAY, NEVER AGAIN, THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN, and I pushed the pride away from me, and it evaporated as a yellow puff of smoke and has not returned. I still have issues with the memory, however, I feel like it was more an accusation than a real memory, that the people who I reincarnate with accused me of having done that out of greed or pride, but that in reality I had very little to do with what happened and that it all was out of my hands… Not going into details. (I wonder if the separation of the pride was so easy precisely because it was never there, but I could also be denying the possibility that I have been that selfish and cold in relatively recent history, but knowing that this is what I get accused of all the time, over and over and that I know that is how people see me to this day. The reason why they might see me as a selfish person, may AGAIN have to do with that same void; if I refuse to fill a spot that is there, people will feel like they are being denied their right and I am keeping to myself something that I should share with them.)

I understand a lot of this makes no sense… I’ll try to clarify this stuff later… I remember when I started working on my spiritual abilities, I read some articles from other people and they’re talking about “the energies” and “visions” and what not, and I’m like WTF are you people talking about?! Made absolutely no sense to me to “feel energy” the way they were talking about, or a bunch of other things but after I went on about it for a while, it started to make a lot more sense. It’s such an important thing to get words exactly right, hence the reason why I am taking a long time writing my content here… Like “seeing ghosts” for example… It’s not really seeing them, at all, not to me at least, or “hearing voices” again, nothing to do with physical seeing or hearing, it’s more  like sensing the physical form of a person you cannot see, or understanding a sentence that your ears didn’t hear but your brain already comprehended – knowing it wasn’t your own thinking… Imagination is one thing, interacting with spirits is another. All writers, for instance know the difference if they are any good at what they do, and probably actors know a bit of the same: When you write a story, at first, your characters are wooden and artificial, and all of the sudden they simply transform into independent characters who tell their own story. The writer is no  longer making it all up, it becomes an interaction between real spirits and the imaginary world or events the writer puts them into. The writer turns into a medium taking notes… Really. Sorry. 😉 The same thing is when an actor takes up a role, they are allowing another spirit to take on their body and use it to express their own character. If an actor is any good, they are, in fact, a channel. 🙂

But anyway. I might go to bed. Now. 🙂

Cheers,

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