“If you often fuck someone intelligent with a great personality, at which point does that become substance abuse?”

I said that.

Not me, in case you were wondering.

Did you get that? Got it, got it? :p If not, perhaps you need to read this article carefully. 😉

Depending on who you ask, what is defined as a sexy personality varies a bit. What is the most important part of it though, is that it HAS TO BE YOU, you can’t directly copy someone else and expect anyone to regard you sexy, at best, you’ll just be a cheap copy of someone way hotter than you – someone who does amazing job at being who they are. You cannot copy them and expect to be yourself. That is why pick-up lines and pick-up tricks and techniques rarely work without the inner work attached.

A sexy personality starts with knowing who you are

Whenever a person wants to make friends, their first instinct is to try and please people as much as they can. They change their opinion by the company they keep, they dress the same as the people who they are around, they mimic and copy and generally speaking make the surrounding people hold back vomit. There is a point to that behavior, yes. If you want to impress someone, the natural reaction is to want to be more like them, but if the next moment you are copying someone else, people will think you are a suck-up and a fake, and whatever friends you made, you are now likely to lose the interest of when you turn to the next crowd to woo them. (I have a little bit of a problem with that, as I do like a lot of things and that can be seen inauthentic, so I understand the problem that you’re just into everything, too. :D)

You can woo normal people by being normal, that is the thing THEY want from you, but if you want to make an impression on someone… More like you(?) you will need to start figuring out how to bring that personality out. In my opinion, whomever you admire tells a lot more about you than what you appear to be at the moment, because whatever attracts you to a person is the thing that is inside you, waiting to be discovered. Even if you felt you were not ready for that crowd, the fact that you want THAT crowd is already a thing that makes you more like THEM than what it makes you like the people you don’t want to be like. If you don’t want to be like X, you will stay like X, you will, always, gradually, try to become like Y, whether you try to fight it or not… And most of us do, to an extent.

Step 1 to a sexy personality: Who to please?

Here is the conflict. Often, you need to maintain a certain image for your family or your friends, but the people who you find sexy are nothing like them. Imagine it if Mia Tyler would find Wall Street bankers really hot… (And maybe she does) but her rockstar dad Steven Tyler would not understand at all why she’d go for the Wall Street, and also, what is she supposed to wear around her dad when the pin-stripe suit would be her thing to wear? That would be rebellion in reverse to what we are usually used to. Our truly sexy personality has to be about who we want rather than who gave us birth. The persona that our parents promote is our child-personality, but once you are ready to get your wings (had to insert an Aerosmith reference, given my examples) you have got to check the color of your feathers, people. We are the only species in the world who sometimes do need to develop a different image, life strategy, attitude and look to their parents, and the reasons for this are very interesting and complicated, and something I’ll write about another time when I cross over from a sex coach to an anthropologist.

The people who you find sexy are the basis of your own sexy personality, and that is the Point 1. (And no, you can’t get this “wrong” whatever cooks your crumpet, man.)

Step 2 to a sexy personality: Business, work, family…

This has nothing to do with sex, so far..? No, no it doesn’t, and the fact you’ve skipped this part before is the reason why you aren’t getting any so sit down and keep reading.

Your personality is a combination of a lot of things. All of these things must be in collaboration with each other, and they need to form a whole person, not for just one night (I’m not in the business of creating fake people, thank you very much,) but for your entire life. If you want to live the rest of your life with someone you find irresistible, it doesn’t pay to hang onto your mother’s apron strings if you’re not the mother fucking type…. 😉 For instance, your business personality must be in unison with your sexual personality or you will paint yourself into a corner in one of the areas if not both.

The question is, what is it that you want the most out of life? Love, romance, sex (all combined), the appreciation and admiration of your parents, a family… It is likely that you will get all of that, but it does require you to prioritize. What is it that you want THE MOST? Everything else must fall a servant to what it is that you want the most. If your primary goal is to make your mother happy, you will not make the willy as happy as the mother, just to keep things in perspective. It may take your family some time to digest things if you do not prioritize them, but… As I said, it is a question of priorities. Also, if your family doesn’t know why it is that you are not getting a wife or a husband, for instance, they might start involving themselves in your future married life with such ferocity that there is not a chance for you to marry someone you actually want – let alone carry on a wild single life for the rest of your existence. (They think they’ll be doing you a favor, and you’d think this is an expectation on you. The reality is that a lot of parents, secretly, are proud of their children only when the children learn to disobey. 😉 )

Step 3a to a sexy personality for people who tend to be too much of a people pleaser

This step is a little risky, but it is necessary to do at SOME stage, especially if you find it difficult to say no to people and find yourself indecisive and too easily led and coerced. If you do not have any trouble differentiating from people you like and do not like, it might be best to leave this one alone and go directly to the next step, just to avoid putting out a too strong signal to people you DO NOT want in your life… 🙂 If people already think you’re too judgemental (and you know this) perhaps skip this part for now.

There is an enormous power in deciding what it is that you DO NOT like or want for yourself. (If you stop here, what you will get, though, is a massive amount of people you don’t want or like running after you wanting to prove their worth to you.) This is a necessary step in giving yourself a sexy personality, that will, eventually, develop into a more serious and stable sexual personality, but it is also risky. There are people who have a massive need to make everyone like them. Whenever they feel they are not wanted by someone, they need to use all their energy to convince this person to like them, and once they get what they want, they will lose their interest the split second. I do not ask you to do this for those people, but you still need to know where it is that you won’t go, and what it is that you genuinely do not want. (If you want, though, if you REALLY don’t like these people but are not put off by them physically, you can always abuse this need to prove themselves to everyone who doesn’t like them if you like… I think the faster they learn the lesson the better for them… Plus, it would be fun.)

Start a list. Write down everything that you don’t like about people and keep adding to it as you go along. Then, make sure you will make sure you are not like the person on this list – if you find a trait in there that you realize is your own trait, eliminate it from your own personality NOT from the list! Keep it on the list but make sure you will change that about yourself.

Step 3b to a sexy personality for people who tend to be a bit judgmental

This should be the point that you focus on the most, particularly if you tend to be a bit judgmental. If you don’t like THOSE people, then what kind of people do you honestly admire? It is sometimes difficult to accept that we do love beautiful people, smart people, strong and successful people, but then, it may be just as difficult to admit that you love, for instance, fat people in ways that most people do not understand. It is common for people to deny liking the kind of people they do like because they are either going with the stereotype or against it and whichever way they go, they feel equally bizarre and “wrong”. Whether they want to hide the fact they are just the way everyone expects them to be (that big-boob-loving blond chaser) or the exact opposite (the guy who has a thing for stinky fat chicks 😉 ) they are still likely to hide it for a long time. (If you do find yourself hiding who you love in order to please people that would be on your Step 3 list… Perhaps time to alter priorities!)

You should start focussing more and more on people who you actually feel like you would love and who would make you happy, and send them that signal to come forth in your life. Perhaps there is a point where our admiration goes overboard, particularly if we simultaneously battle the not wanted who demand an answer to why they are not good enough, (you would feel this as guilt and a need to justify your want of the other type unless you’re psychic,) polarizing the two opposites too much – so if you notice that happening, just tone things down.

Put the people who you truly love into your heart as a pleasant secret for yourself to feel, those lovely people, the beautiful. Then, go forth and find them.

The last step to a sexy personality

The more you know about who you are as a person, the sexier you will become automatically. The more authentic, the more shameless you are about who you are, (shameless as in guilt-free, joyous) the more people are drawn to you, even in the non-sexual sense. Keep descovering more about yourself, and your attitudes, keep your eye on people you love, start quietly eliminating qualities that you have that you don’t like – it is not true that you were born a certain way and you have to stay that way to the day you die – that is defeatist and also very depressing thinking that leads to nothing but stagnation – keep moving, keep evolving, keep becoming a little better by every discovery you make about yourself.

The best thing is, that the most progress is made by simply noticing that “oh, so THAT’s what I’m like there…”

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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.

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