What is to ‘deny’ something or to ‘be in denial’ or do something ‘subconsciously’

I remember, when I was rather young, reading a sentence in some magazine: “ALL women are bisexual” it said. It was just an opinion piece “from the readers”, but nonetheless, it left me wondering. “If that is true, I am completely in denial,” I said to myself “because I feel no attraction to women.” I was young. ;p

To be in denial is not something you can be COMPLETELY. You always KNOW on some level that this is what it is, this is the way it is, but for some reason, you don’t want to admit the truth to yourself. One of the greatest motivations is to avoid admitting to something that would risk our chances of a happy marriage. The same motivation is true for men and women alike. Admitting that you might be bisexual, for instance, or that you are a sadomasochist or, perhaps attracted to children even, will clearly put you into the mindset that you cannot be loved, ever.

You can’t help how you feel

No matter what it is, you are aware of it on SOME level. Whatever it is, you can’t help it. It just is the way you are. Let’s take pedophilia for an example.

You’ve noticed yourself watching children sometimes. Sometimes your mind wonders to inappropriate thoughts about them. This doesn’t make you a monster. Most people, I believe, have thoughts of this kind from time to time. If that is how your mind works, that’s how it works and there’s not much you can do about it. The difference is whether you act on it or not.

Denial won’t change things, but unfortunately, that’s how we’ve gotten used to dealing with taboo thoughts. Just push them down and pretend they’re not there.

That is called denial.

As far as pedophilia goes, I believe the best way to treat is to allow yourself the occasional thought along the lines. You can’t be charged for your thoughts, not yet anyway – I’m sure they’re working on it – but the thing is, the more you push it down, the more dangerous it gets, I believe. Then again, they’re probably also saying that the more you indulge it, the stronger it gets and “normalizes it”, too.

However, I know some men who can be turned on by a pedophilic fantasy. Every guy I’ve ever taken down that road has gone along with it. Some elaborately so – assuming I am the “victim”. I take them into the fantasy of ME being the supposed child, and that “what if we would have met when I was just a little girl”. This is enough to release the guilt, you know you’re not doing anything wrong if the victim is 35. :p I am telling this now, just to say that just having the occasional thought won’t make you into a pedophile, most men (and probably a good chunk of women) get it, but that doesn’t mean they have labeled themselves with the label.

A lot of people have homosexual fantasies without considering themselves bisexual, let alone gay.

So here is where we get into the more interesting area.

I have a bunch of True Emotion Mirrors, (nice progression from pedophilia to this, sorry guys,) who are and have always considered themselves 100% straight. They came out of the closet as bisexual the moment they realized they are not going to a) lose me b) lose each other’s friendship over it. Now, our minds are just a jolly mess of cocks and balls, and I love them for it.

They simply had to see themselves not losing out because of it – so their gender PREFERENCE is female, straight, but given the opportunity and freedom, they’re more than happy to broaden the views.

I was liberated into being polyandrous. Once I realized I didn’t stand to lose my chances of finding true love – quite the opposite – I was free to admit to my men that yeah… I do like the idea of being fucked by a whole army worth of men.

Then, what about the pestering suitors

In addition, sometimes we have to deal with someone else’s sexual fantasies regarding yourself, someone who INSISTS you are in denial for denying them what they want.

So, if you were in denial, you’d feel like you WANT TO give in to their wishes, but you just fear you’ll lose someone you care more about if you gave into it. An obvious example is gay relationships. If you’d sleep with a member of your own gender, and loved them, what would be your chances of a happy marriage and a child? A lot of people live in the monogamous idea, so the option of having BOTH a boyfriend AND a girlfriend doesn’t even occur to them as a solution, but then again, if you also want a child, it may, in some cases put you on a pause because you don’t want to raise a child in an unusual family unit. (I say go for it, but that’s just me.)

The point being, the denial doesn’t mean YOU HAVE NO IDEA you want to sleep with another man or another woman, but you just try not to go there. What it also doesn’t mean is that you refuse to TRY it. If you deny someone their sexual advances, it doesn’t mean you are in denial.

A choice

I must admit, I write this post and I wonder.

I say I am a polyandrist and I certainly want to be. I DO NOT WANT other women into our relationships, but I FEAR that I might have the potential of being bisexual if I gave it a chance, and that would RUIN EVERYTHING. Our life would be wrecked because NONE OF US wants another woman in the mix. It seems sensible, however. It SEEMS AS THOUGH just me and an army of men is… COULDN’T POSSIBLY work, right? How can one girl satisfy all these men both emotionally, intellectually, and sexually? It shouldn’t be possible, and I don’t know how, I just FEEL LIKE a) that’s the way I want it, that’s the way they want it b) somehow, it will work and c) having another woman in there would simply completely ruin the vibe of it all.

So, is this a choice, a preference, or a real alignment? I certainly haven’t got a whole lot of sexual feelings toward other women, more to the point, I absolutely hate the idea, over-react even. Perhaps, because it is somewhat pushed on me by the rival hopefuls of my many boyfriends, and my female friends who want their share. They want me to accept them because they are missing out if I don’t. So am I being a bitch? Am I simply NOT opening up because I don’t want THEM specifically, or am I closing myself up from all women to protect myself from a certain few, I cannot be sure.

But I know I don’t WANT TO fall in love with a woman, and I don’t think my men want that either, but we still all acknowledge it is possible that one day we’ll meet a woman who changes it all for us, and we have to accept that… Fear and possible disappointment, even. I haven’t found such a woman who I’d feel so inseparable with that I wouldn’t rather split the group than stay with her, but… At least I accept the possibility it might happen someday with some woman. Who knows.

Subscribe to get a Daily Message