What is your definition of love?

People of different thinking modes have a very different definition of love. The differences in the understanding of what true love is about is the reason why a lot of people simply never seem to find love together, even if both would swear to be in love with the other, and mean every word of the oath.

True love, in my opinion, be it love between family members, friends or lovers, is actually exactly the same, and this feeling cannot be learned or forced, it exists automatically between people who are each other’s perfect counterparts. It also cannot be stopped, only denied, and this is what my definition of love is:

True love is a feeling pure joy and privilege of having been given the right to know this person, to be able to observe them being who they are, to be blessed with their presence, to have been given the divine opportunity to know that there are people like that in this world… This is a feeling that you want to give yourself, as a person, as the entirety that is you, to this person; you are at their service, you are theirs because that feeling fills you up with joy. You want to make sure you fulfill them; when they are happy, you are happy, and you ask nothing in return, because that does no longer make sense to you, and it doesn’t matter to you what you receive, only if you give enough. That is true love.

There are many feelings that masquerade for love in many occasions, as not everyone has had the true blessing of having known love. These are the feelings that cynicism is made out of:

Ownership: The feeling of RIGHT of an owner, the feeling that THIS PERSON belongs to you by a divine law or by very mortal law; the right of a parent or the right of a spouse. You do not feel like you belong to them, but they belong to you. The easiest way to explain this feeling of ownership by “a divine law” is by describing how it has most likely formed: A marriage to this person in a previous lifetime can create a feeling of ownership or a feeling of “divine marriage” in this lifetime. A husband or a wife was arranged for you, or you were married out of love, and you feel a right and a sense of ownership towards them. They are obligated to fidelity towards you, regardless of their authentic real feelings towards someone else or their interest in other people. (Spausal Spirit Mirror.) The definition of love for an owner-lover is “a right”.

Responsibility: The feeling of being responsible for someone is also not love. Keeping someone safe and cared for is a human action that isn’t about love but simple humanity. Of course, when you truly love someone, you take care of them for your own selfish need to see them breath another day – every day they are alive is a blessing to you. The feeling of responsibility doesn’t work that way; you could possibly even imagine being relieved if this person would die when they were temporarily under someone else’s care, because that way you weren’t responsible for their death but you were relieved of the responsibility being lifted off you. Clearly, not a great definition of love, is it?

Need to teach life: The need to educate someone on how to live life “the right way” is also often confused with the feeling of love. Although it has it’s place, alone it doesn’t make up all that is needed to be the definition of true love, and it can be the opposite of true love, too. A person may feel that “since I want to show you how to become a correctly feeling, thinking and behaving person, it means I love you”. This kind of person would feel they have it all figured out and they want to simply change the other person into their ideal personality with or without their permission. This is a forceful feeling: “I will change you into someone I would be happier with for your own good and because I do not value a person like you but I know what I like and I know what others will appreciate, too.” The need to liberate is another matter entirely although it has similarities in it: The need to liberate a person who they feel has been wrongly taught or conditioned and twisted into something they are not in order to be a proper person (as in reverse the effects previously described) is a sign of true love, but when a person is confused about who they really are, it can be a delicate business trying to make a difference between the two. Tip: Always try to find the person who they themselves want to be, if you do not trust them to make “the right choices” you are working from the forceful angle (opposite of true love), not from authentic love. You may still fear they will choose “wrong”, but you fear for their happiness rather than your own frustration with the person they choose to be instead the person who you would want them to be.

Acceptance, inclusion: This is a mixture of feelings of ownership, responsibility, acceptance, inclusion and safety. It is a feeling based on some kind of a grouping, usually a family-, friendship, or marital relationship. “We are in a relationship, we have accepted each other into our lives / we are living life together regardless of what kind of personalities we are, and therefore we are in love.” (Usually one person accepts, the other person is accepted, the relationship is not equal; “I tell you how to be better at being my loved one.”) This feeling is almost unbreakable, because letting go of someone for selfless reasons go against every instinct of a person of this kind, because they believe without a shadow of a doubt that once they are in a group, that group may not be abandoned for any other reason but internal danger: if a member inside the group puts other members in danger by their behaviour that the group didn’t agree on previously, they will be thrown out, shunned, but other than that, there is no way out of this union. Usually, this behaviour is taking financial risks rather than breaking religious rules. The definition of love, in this case, is “love is loyalty to our couple or group.” (Loyalty, by the way, is the emotion you need people to feel for you in case you plan on screwing them over, to not fill all their needs, or to treat them unfairly, or treat them in a way that goes against their happiness or beliefs, or require behaviour that isn’t natural for them. Otherwise, loyalty is not necessary.)

Pride-lust: The sense of wanting someone for yourself because they would make you look better in the eyes of other people; they would elevate your social status in an exciting, exhilarating way. You feel desire for a higher social rank, riches or political status; being seen better than other people because of this relationship. This feeling can be VERY CLOSE to the feeling of true love, and, quite honestly can be a part of true love, but doesn’t make up the entirety of true love. (The thing is, when you are really in love with someone, it is impossible to not feel proud of being in their company and being loved by them. The difference is, that when it is not true love, you know others value something about that person, and you may not even know why others value those things but because others react to his or her traits positively, you want to associate with that person in order to receive your share of that positive attention as their side-kick.)

So what is the definition of love, in full?

True love, in my view, is, as I said, the feeling of joy you feel while observing another person (or an animal) being the person that they are when they are free to be whatever they are. True love is not necessarily completely pure of these other emotions, either, but in its purest form, it is non-possessive, (“your happiness is my happiness even if you were happier with someone else other than me”). True love is not a skill, it is an emotion, this is not about someone being a better person than you are, they have simply found a person who they, quite without trying, feel this way for. Therefore, you cannot expect a person who feels this way about Person A, to also feel the same way about Person B, simply because “they are a good person”. Love doesn’t work that way. Where skill comes to play, however, is the ability to recognise and identify and accept one’s own natural feelings, but having feelings is not a skill but an automatic reaction to someone. A person who feels true love is no more capable of fidelity than anyone else, they simply no longer WANT anyone else (that much, in some circumstances they can, of course, quite reluctantly settle for someone else if push comes to a shove). Someone who has been known for being fickle or a womaniser will, in an instant, completely lose their interest for everyone else. (Natural polygamistORpolygynandrists are an exception, but their true lover would love them for their tendency to not settle for one anyway.)

What is unconditional love, then?

There is two distinctively different ways of understanding the idea of “unconditional love“, too. Where one person understands unconditional love to be the feeling of unity (safety in numbers) regardless of who you are, your skills, your aspirateons, your personality traits; “because you are my *child/wife/husband/friend/band member* I love you unconditionally and I don’t care what you are like.” To another group of people this kind of unconditional love is more an insult than anything else; if you don’t care what I am like, I could be a blob of breathing meat and you would still love me the same. To a person who feels unconditional love should be just like that, feels that this is exactly the height of love, but a person who is proud of who they are, allowing oneself to be loved like that would be like throwing pearls to the swine, although to the other group the idea that you have to be a certain way in order to be loved feels like a demand, not unconditional love.

People who define unconditional love with the need to be loved for their personality traits, their skills, their values and aspirations would feel unappreciated by the kind of love that falls on you simply because of your role in the other person’s life. These people feel unconditional love comes after you have fallen for someone’s personality traits and other qualities. It means they will forever love you, no matter what, through thick and thin, no matter what you choose and who you choose to do that with, because your personality traits are so incredibly lovable, that you couldn’t possibly be the authentic you and do something wrong by their standards. These people will also express love in completely opposite ways: The other (former) wants to tie everyone they love unconditionally into one unbreakable group, and the other (latter) wants to liberate the people they love unconditionally from any obligation or limitation to their person – including the obligation of themselves or the limitation of being their only lover or the obvious choice of a lover. The former type, unconditional love is given “whether you like it or not” and to the latter, love is given only as a side dish of respect: “I understand you might not want this, but it is yours if you want it, and there is no expiration date to my offer.”

So, the next time you tell someone you love them, think about what they are likely to hear: “I love you” to them may mean: “I will always keep you safe from dangers and keep you fed” or it may mean: “I feel joy when I observe you being you, but other than that, all bets are off…”

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