Whenever people don’t treat you the way you want them to, it’s your fault. Check list
Categorically, if people tend to treat you in a way that you don’t like for long, it’s your fault. You’re somehow giving out a vibe that allows their behavior to happen; if you think all men are *this*, it’s something YOU are doing to attract men that are *this*, not that all men are what you claim them to be. Same goes for every relationship you have. The good thing is; if it’s your fault, then, you can fix it. It’s going to be damned site easier to fix yourself than to fix EVERYONE ELSE.
Here’s a checklist. It’s going to be long.
The wrong kind of people tends to attempt to befriend you…
What you do wrong is dependent on what kind of wrong we’re talking about.
Self-awareness
Step number one. In order to pick better people into your life, you’ll have to be as self-aware of what you’re looking for as possible. There are people who will take any friend at all, as long as they’re kind, for instance, but you want a bit extra added on top. The first step is to know that you have to reject certain kind of people, and even though they keep on knocking, you can’t let them in, because they are people who are looking for AN OPPORTUNITY to hitch their wagon on another person, no matter what else comes with the package.
Boring, but morally acceptable people
If you think the people trying to befriend you are categorically boring, the problem is that you’re focusing on MORALS instead of PLEASURE when choosing friends. You want to find people who are generally speaking good people, and then you feel guilty when you don’t like everyone who is generally speaking a good person. If you’ve ever tried to break up with the phrase: “It’s not you, it’s me,” this means you.
The fix to this is to realize that rejecting people is actually pleasurable and fun. When it’s your friends and lovers, you GET TO BE unfair. You are not a prize pony, and this is not a moral competition. You can be unfair and picky, and you CAN look for people who give you pleasure of all kinds: funny people, entertaining people, sexy, good looking, vigorous and risk-taking if that’s your thing. What do you want to do with your friends, anyway? What do you need them to enjoy the same way as you enjoy it?
You can’t ditch morals, but you must add a list of requirements for your company, and feel PLEASURE when you tell someone “hey, mate, you’re just not the right blend of crazy for me.” It feels good to them, to know that you are not just looking for someone who is a good person, but you’re also looking for your kinda crazy. (It should be obvious, but people who don’t get hung up on people like you haven’t fixed this about themselves yet, and they keep on knocking on doors that won’t open.)
Immoral people who stab you in the back or get you to the wrong kind of trouble
Your friends must follow the same moral code as you do. It doesn’t mean that you necessarily condemn people of a different moral code, it’s just that you and your friends must share a moral code, otherwise, you’ll be either stabbed in the back a lot, or you’ll find yourself doing things or dodging things that you feel are inherently wrong things to do.
Even if your moral code is what one would call “alternative”, your friends must follow that same moral code.
You don’t even admit to yourself what it is that you actually want
Many, many people feel ashamed of what they truly want out of their friends and romantic partners in particular. You react to shaming easily, and people who want to convince you to NOT go for what is usually considered a positive thing (beautiful women, handsome men, rich men, celebrities, sexy people, intelligent people (intelligence has nothing to do with relationships, right?)) or a taboo thing (big-breasted blondes, slutty women, or homosexual relationships… you name it) you may feel ashamed that you are, in fact, going eeeeexactly for the ridiculous stereotypical thing. So, you “give people chances” and try lowering your bar as your attempt to “be fair and open-minded”, while refusing to accept certain realities: you want the embarrassingly stereotypical or… wrong.
You may also have fetishes that you don’t want to admit to having, and thus, avoid the fact that heck, you’d fuck a fat bitch to the end of the world if it wasn’t wrong to be sexually attracted to someone’s fat rolls. 😉 Men, generally speaking, find themselves immoral being sexually attracted to anything, really, but you simply have to accept that’s actually what sexual relationships are about in the first place… So how in the world will you ever get the sex you want if you give yourself a beating every time you get hard for a girl for anything except that she’s such a good woman, then you beat yourself up for wanting to fuck a good woman? If you feel guilt for your sexual appetites, you’ll always punish yourself (and sabotage a relationship) when you get sexual attraction toward someone even if they had no issues with the fact.
You don’t admit to yourself what it is that you DON’T want, but keep refusing yourself the right to say “hell no”
So, there are people who don’t want certain things that are commonly wanted: children, sex, friends, even. Some people don’t want relationships of some description or ANY description, but because it’s considered NORMAL to have them, people keep pressuring you to have things that they want because they don’t understand why you don’t. So you feel guilty, they interpret it as being “down on yourself” or “insecure”, but in reality, you feel guilty because you don’t want to do what you’re being told to do. (There are people who get turned on by denying sex, for example, and I know there are people who get sexual pleasure out of being told they can’t have you.)
Now. Whatever you don’t want, TRUST ME it’s a favor to someone exactly you want. You will lose people, there are people who will not go for something that you don’t want to provide, there are people who won’t understand you at all, but you will STILL have to say HELL NO to things you don’t want, no matter how popular those things might be.
Feel pleasurable joy, rather than guilt, for saying no. That’s usually when people start believing you.
The people you date don’t really love you
If you’re the kind of person who will always seize an opportunity to form a relationship with ANYONE who would have you, you’ll be bound to find an opportunity to form relationships based on something OTHER than actual love. If you, further, try and lower their resistance of you by guilt-tripping and shaming: “You have intimacy issues, you have to give people a chance, you need to stop thinking love is linked to someone’s weight or intelligence” etc, you’ll be BOUND to find someone insecure enough to agree to a relationship with you, but without having the influence to make them fall in love with you. They’ll date you as a moral choice, as they haven’t learned to say “hell no” yet, and feel pleasure doing so, so they’ll agree to date you even though they don’t love you or want you.
If you keep telling yourself that these people just don’t know that they’re loved, and you try to a) tell them that you’re the better choice than who they actually want and b) that they’d be happy to know you love them if they could just trust that, you WILL find yourself in relationships with people who don’t really love you and will never feel affection toward you.
You’ll have to learn that heck. There are people who don’t find you attractive in any way, and that they won’t change their minds about it even if you manage to make them feel ashamed that they don’t.
Reactions you don’t want
How about people keep on treating you in a pattern you don’t like.
You’re always the caretaker
They use you as a sex toy and abandon you later
This is in your own mind, just the same as everything else. If you don’t see worth in yourself or in your gender beyond being a sex toy, the people you date will see you in the same light. And if your own idea of who you are and what you’re good for won’t change, you’ll read their positive comments and attempts to respect you as disrespect; let’s say someone tries to tell you that they don’t want to have sex with you out of respect for you. Since your perspective is that nobody would want to have a real relationship with someone like you, you assume they think they are too good to fuck you, and then, you’ll proceed to trying to force seduce them. They realize that OK, you’re good for nothing but fucking, so… There you go.
People keep abandoning you after a while
If your mindset is that OK, people will abandon you because you’re not much of a catch or because they quit on people so easily, or that relationships are tough and therefore, nobody keeps at them, your mindset is that relationships are some kind of a survival thing, right? So, you take to them like a drill-sergeant, you start testing people’s gumption to remain in a relationship with you. You treat them nasty, you’re over-demanding, you want them to make sacrifices to prove to you they’re for real. If they see relationships as fun and pleasurable, something that makes life’s hardships a little easier to bear, you’re actually just giving them another hardship to endure, and they’ll quit on you.
You keep “attempting to break up” with someone, and they won’t take you seriously
You have to stop “negotiating”. For as long as you are talking with someone who really wants to be with you, they take it as negotiation as to get things moving again. They think you still are open to a relationship with them. If they don’t get it, you’ll have to cut all contact and stop talking to them, no matter how difficult it is.
If you can’t get away from that person (maybe you work with them or something similar) you’ll have to return to feeling pleasure rather than guilt for rejecting someone.
They want you to keep paying their bills and won’t give you sexual or romantic attention
If you are a man, there’s a good chance you believe that women see you as a wallet alone, or you may think that women want a sophisticated, intelligent man. Therefore, you may be putting in considerable effort to appear wealthy and or sophisticated, expecting women to give you sex and attention because you can give them a man to be proud of.
This gives gold-diggers and sugar babies the signal that you’re there to pay for their living, and many of them don’t think twice about why. Some think you’re the kind of a guy who can’t get a girl without paying her, so they treat you as a desperado who will part with their money in order to be seen with a pretty woman.
If you are also trying to appear “better than others”, as in more sophisticated, SEX and FUN isn’t the first thing people think of you when they see you. Even girls who were looking for sex would avoid you because you don’t exactly appear like the kind of a guy who would show a girl good time, they’d see you like the kind of a guy who would dress her in a corset and tie her hair up to take her to a formal ball, after which, it’s one cocktail while listening to classical music and then, you’d retire to your separate bedrooms. Sex-driven girls are hardly into that deal.
People don’t do what you’re trying to force them into doing (for you)
There are plenty of people, women especially, who are convinced that whatever they want in this world, they’ll have to coerce, force, or cheat out of another person. They feel like constant con-artists who try to manipulate things in their own favor. When what they want is love or affection, they seem to heighten the need to cheat to get it. They may even feel that if something (or someone) is easy to have, it’s (he/she’s) not worth it at all, because they want to get their way – therefore, they’re always chasing after the very thing they can’t have. The only time when they feel they don’t need to chase what they can’t have is when they believe the opposite party is playing hard to get in order to coax them into chasing.
If you’re like this, you need to assess your priorities asap. You’re doomed to unhappiness because you only want what you can’t have – but once you’ve had it, you have it and that means you could have had it all along and now it’s worthless. Try to think of something you’d actually want even if you got it without any effort at all… By simply asking for it.
Generally speaking
I doubt I’ll ever make a comprehensive list of these things, (but I’ll keep on trying). However, whenever you get an “all people/men/women/gays/bisexuals/blacks/whites…” -feeling about something, you are 100% dead set every time WRONG. If you can say “all anything”, (unless you’re defining a term, such as all bisexuals are attracted to both men and women, because otherwise, the term would lose its meaning) you’re dead set certainly incorrect in your assessment. If all X treat you in the same way, then fuck IT’S YOUR FAULT! So. Figure out why they’re doing it. You are the variable always present in that situation, so what is it that you do, that makes people treat you the way they’re treating you?
IF you feel guilty or ashamed about anything, any unpleasant, uncomfortable feelings – that’s where you should start digging.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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