Why do the Survivalist* like to meddle into everything (especially in spirit) and how to turn them away
It is one of the most difficult life challenges for a Idealists* to figure out a way to turn a helpful the Survivalist* off the idea of “helping them” to sort their lives out. The Survivalist* think they have had this life thing figured out a long time ago. To them, life is fairly simple, job/career, mortgage, marriage, family, and that does it. They view it from the perspective that “nobody is really EXPECTING you to do anything more than that” so they feel that anyone who is up to something different is really missing that point. Nobody is EXPECTING you to become a rock star, win awards, change the world, or anything of the sort. They just want you to know that.
Obviously, every one of us knows that. But try and explain to the Survivalist* that you’d rather cut your wrists than live their life the way they live it. Their smug attitude about how to live life and their pushy need to show us all how to bury your dreams pisses us off to no end, and it’s REALLY HARD for us to reply to them in a nonchalant tone that is able to put them back on their path that leads away from you. We want to rip their smug heads off their shoulders, really.
To the Survivalist*, everything is about attention/lack of love
However, when you DO reply to them in an annoyed tone, they think you’re after ATTENTION. You seek attention. As you’re also trying to achieve something big (potentially), they get a double confirmation that the reason why you’re doing it is for attention. You know, because mommy didn’t give you enough of it when you grew up.
That doesn’t, in your mind, even come up as a possible problem, so you won’t reply in a tone that would signal to them that no, you’re doing X for whatever reason you’re doing it for, and attention is not why you do it – you may need attention in order to carve yourself a market bracket, because without customers or listeners, or readers, whatever you’re doing is an exercise in futility, but they don’t see ANY OF IT the way that you see it. The only reason, in their mind, for anyone to do anything in life is to get love and attention from their family and other loved ones.
So. Your goal isn’t to tell them that they need to butt out, what they need to realize is that you don’t consider them loved ones.
The Survivalist* Mom -problem
If this is your mom, the best way forward is to give her a task that she thinks is helping you ENORMOUSLY but in fact, is of little or no consequence to you. Praise them for whatever they are doing that is keeping them out of your way, and give them no attention when they’re doing the wrong thing. It is IMPORTANT to NOT reward bad behavior in the Survivalist* with ANY KIND OF attention, at all. Focus on your phone when they’re trying to offer you help or attention you don’t want, then, the Survivalist* back to reality when you have a task for them to do: “Mom, could you make some coffee, please? It would be tremendously helpful.” Or complain about how you don’t have time to go to the store to get Mountain Dew and send her on her way for a blissful near hour without her.
If you can establish a routine for them to follow, that would be great for them. So they feel like they have that one thing they need to do for you in a day and then, you’re happy. But NEVER ask the Survivalist* to shut up, unless you’re after blood. They feel chirping is the way people let other people know everything is fine.
Demoting or firing a friend from their position as a friend
However, if this is a friend or casual acquaintance or a friend you have decided to demote, lie a little. Remember the Survivalist* never tell the truth unless they are panicking. Truth, to them, is like a dying man’s confession, so if you have to resort to the truth, they think they know you’re in dying pain and a panic situation. In some ways, we kinda are, but we make the mistake that we also tell the truth to the Survivalist*, who cannot handle the truth and not get personally invested in fixing it, whether they are in the position of doing it or not. They feel you wouldn’t tell them the truth if you didn’t think they must be the one to help you with it.
The more we explain how we have everything under control, the more they believe you are just dying trying to keep your head above the water.
Examples
Be vague. Here’s me teaching myself to do just this:
Everything is fine. There’s nothing for you to fix here. You misunderstood what I was saying to you in 2012(!!!!). Mainly experimenting with spiritual phenomena to entertain myself.
I know you think you “see” my problems but I am following a long-term plan to get me where I am going, and I really don’t need you distracting me from my goal.
This is like a good brush off. “None of your business.” To the Idealists*, the Survivalist* communication is very rude. It just seems that they truly don’t understand subtleties, but they do read lies better than they read truths.
Let me try a message for a friend of mine who I figure will waltz back into my life if I ever make it big with this stuff. She’s a person who I’ve been official best friends with at some stage, and who, I FEEL has always felt like 10% of all of my happiness is automatically hers. Half, if there’s a lot of it. Progressive taxing system. So she’s more than likely coming for her unlimited credit card at some stage, and mind you, we haven’t truly spoken for over 10 year’s time.
Dear, this is not a good time for you to come over. Things are a bit crazy right now. You know how it is. Everyone wants a piece of me, a lot of people with elbows deep in my pockets. You know how every friend you’ve had over the years thinks that it’s okay to come and bleed me for money. Let me just take care of these bloodsuckers before you come over. Much nicer that way.
Obviously, at this stage, she hasn’t bring up money, but I’m predicting that’s what’s she’s expecting. So to bring up non-existing “bad people” will send her a signal that what she’s after is not going to happen or she’ll prove herself to be just like them, in which case I can go all: “E tu, Brute!” (You too, traitor!)
Prepare yourself to lie to the Survivalist*.
“Oh you know I RARELY talk about people I know on my blogs, as I like to protect the privacy of my friends. You know you’re not the last friend I’ve had, right? There are very few who I still consider such close friends that I’d share my finances with them.”
In truth, she was such a bad friend, she kinda put me off the concept of having close friends at all. She wasn’t the LAST friend, but she was certainly hard work from start to finish, and she drained me from my energy much more than any other person has ever done, and I dread the day when I have to see her again. I truly truly don’t need her back in my life.
It is important she thinks she has been replaced, and that there’s a reason these friends are practically invisible.
the Survivalist* bond financially through lack/have
What is also difficult for the Idealists* to understand about the Survivalist* is the fact that they do not bond EMOTIONALLY, they bond FINANCIALLY. Therefore, they only understand the value of poor/rich -friendship or dumb/wise, or lack/have bonds. Therefore, you cannot replace them with someone who has what you have (to them, that bond will never last) they need that financial aspect to be in place. If you have a child who you pour money on, that’s a bond, but if you don’t have children, you need dependents that you actually “love” in the sense the Survivalist* love people, as in, who you finance.
the Survivalist*, by the way, feel they HAVE life experience and that they are good with people and relationships. They feel the Idealists* are helpless in relationships, which we, obviously disagree with strongly, and see in quite the opposite light. Be it as it may, we don’t mix well.
Should you hire a personal assistant, they’re more than likely the Survivalist* looking for a bestie.
“Fund for my friends”
You might if you are wealthy enough for this to make sense, set up a fund for your the Survivalist* friends. This is to make the process as impersonal as possible. It’s like directing your dating calls to an answering machine. They can’t blame you for not giving them money and being stingy, but they won’t get the love they expected to get with it.
Then, with somewhat of a condescending tone, when your friend starts fishing money off you, tell them that you can put them on your charity fund if it seems they’re doing it tough and need financial help. They should snap out of the need soon enough, as they don’t want charity, nobody does, they want financial love. This plan might be financially a good alternative, much better than buying them cars and whatnot out of the guilt trip they lay on you.
If they suggest the fund isn’t big enough on a monthly basis, act astonished. “Do you have gambling debt or something? How have you managed to mess up your affairs that bad?!” the Survivalist* take pride in not messing life up, so… This should be a good indicator as you’re not there to be bled out of money. “Let me pay it, hopefully, you’ll get back on your feet, soon.” And, loudly: “Guys, guys, guys, my friend here is doing it tough. Let’s keep him/her on their feet until they can get back on their feet, again!” (Then, express concern over their finances, find job opportunities or hire a person to harras them like a government unemployment job agent over what have they done to get back on their feet.)
100 dollars as a brush off
You can also completely brush off the Survivalist* by giving them cheap gifts, even blatantly buying yourself something really good, and then your the Survivalist* friend something crap. They will eventually ask you what’s up. You can then tell them to find someone who loves them more than they love their money – or something equally cruel.
the Idealists* hate lying, but with the Survivalist*, lying is telling the truth
The thing is, that the Idealists* hate lying and pretending, but there are situations where it seems absolutely unavoidable. Fame and fortune are those situations where the Survivalist* will weasel their way in and protect you from “weirdoes” as in other the Idealists* to boot as they’re at it. Not only are they there to drive you insane, they make sure nobody you’d love will pass their security screening. So it’s important you learn to speak their language, as they won’t learn to speak yours.
They will also interpret whatever truth you tell as a lie, as they only believe the “hidden” truth. You need to give them the idea that they’ve figured you out. They “understand” you. But you do have to speak the Survivalist* to make them understand the first obvious thing.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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