Why looks matter in a relationship, and where they don’t

Written for: Both good looking people (encouragement) and the unattractive people (reality check).

Many people don’t agree on how much looks matter in a relationship. Those to whom they matter are constantly feeling guilty and evasive about how much looks matter to them, so it seems that the “looks don’t matter” crowd is winning. But they’re winning about the same way as Hillary was winning an election – by the support of the loud minority rather than by the support of the silent majority. What people say and what they think are two very different things, and here’s what the pretty people think:

As the fat people, also what we say is that fat and ugly are not synonymous but more often than not they are, seem to insist that “it’s genetics” the pretty and fit people are kinda inclined to believe that’s the case. So they feel lucky by their genes and that creates the need to appease the unlucky who have gotten a bad deal in the genetic lottery. They want to tell them that sure, looks don’t count, you’re beautiful, you’re amazing, things like this are only the surface – and up to a point, they agree. After all, as it’s only the surface, the fat and ugly people can go mate with fat and ugly people, while the pretty people will keep dating from the lucky in genetics -pool as is genetically sensible.

Hipocracy

What I find personally ANNOYING AS HELL is that the unattractive, ugly, fat people INSIST looks don’t matter in a relationship, but still, they are hanging onto the pretty people the same as everyone else. If it truly didn’t matter, then why can’t they see the beauty in each other? Of course, some of them do, don’t get me wrong, there are tons of happy fatties out there, I am pointing a finger at those people who would never date another fat person themselves but insist to be loved for their “amazing” personality instead.

A personality, which, a whole lot of them does not possess.

Kindness is the only thing that matters, yes?

The ugly people whom I’m criticising here also tend to believe that the ONLY thing that matters in a relationship is KINDNESS. This is all fine and dandy if the only good quality you’ve got yourself is kindness, then fuck, why would you think there’s anything else that is important about a person, or worth loving? Oddly enough, the more positive qualities a person possesses themselves, the more important they tend to feel those qualities are, and justly so.

Imagine you have stunning good looks, you’re kind, (as many beautiful people are or at least try to be), smart, talented, fit (as opposed to just thin), speak 8 languages, have a phd you worked hard to obtain, and have a successful career you didn’t get from your rich daddy, as your dad was a gas station attendant, how likely would you be to think that the only quality in your mate that matters is kindness? You could date a movie star, one of those nice and wonderful ones, who are actually smart and talented and funny, but you think… Naah. I’ll just go on a date with that kind Krispy Creams sales girl who is as wide as she’s tall, has a permanent acne at the age of 35, lives with her mom, has 5 kids from 5 different men who she charged (who, obviously, abused her kindness), and a personality of a pumpkin, but damned she’s a kind person… Of course, until you take the donuts off her hands and she thinks she’s hungry, when in fact she’s just having sugar withdrawals after not having had anything in her mouth for 30 minutes. But no, SURE Orlando Bloom should date her, because she’s KIND and her body weight is genetic, and Miranda Kerr, judging by her body mass index was just a mean, selfish bitch.

Practice what you preach and date kind people if that’s the only quality that matters to you, but it isn’t, isn’t it? You want to trap someone amazing, and you get your fucking kicks out of abusing someone who is way above you on the social ladder, don’t you? You want to show who is truly the boss in this world. You. You mean, selfish bitch.

A True Emotion Mirror or your victim?

A True Emotion Mirror is your intellectual, physical, and ideological equal. Ideological equal being the most important factor. You BELIEVE the same things are important in life. Your VALUES are the same. You want the same things and your goals are the same.

One of the EASIEST TO SEE values is the way you look. Good looks are not really genetic, they’re more an attitude. THE ATTITUDE you have towards your looks. Maintaining good looks is respectful to your partner, and ruining your looks is often a deliberate act of hostility or a test of love. At any rate, a person who is reluctant to stay fit has issues. I can pretty much guarantee that the physical fitness level of a person is in exact measure of how proud they are of themselves and their achievements. Successful people who like themselves rarely put on weight. Weight is often a symptom of self-hate, and if a person hates oneself, they are in no position of forming a relationship.

Of course, you can see people who are simply HAPPY indulging in food and not worry about life, those people are different, and they are often NOT pursuing skinny people anyway, as they want someone to eat with, not someone who nags at them about the importance of a healthy diet. They want someone with whom they share their values with; pleasure first, looks and health second.

An UNLIKELY match

A person who is significantly better looking than you is VERY UNLIKELY to be a True Emotion Mirror. If they are, they should be singing your praises despite your looks, to ensure you know they’re serious, or seemingly STRUGGLING to solve their, ego, their idea of themselves out. They may hold an ideal that they won’t fall in love with a fatty, but there you are… And they’re in love, so in THAT kind of a case, there might be a True Emotion Mirror thing happening.

More than likely scenario, though, is that they simply walk away and decide to find someone like you but in size EU36 instead. In this case, you’ll have to either share their ideal of how much looks matter and drop the weight, or you’ll have to give up and find someone who is like them but without that particular ideal. (Check with your heart of hearts if you actually like them because they’re good looking rather than for their personality, or was this just your ego getting flattered by the attention of someone way hotter than you. Don’t be fooled to think that fat or ugly people don’t have an ego. They most certainly do.)

Looks are not the only thing that matters

Every good-looking person with a half a brain has had to consider their own vanity and whether they are shallow, selfish, and mean like many people accuse them of being. They know that they don’t fall in love with every good-looking person they meet, they may be surrounded by people of stunning good looks, perhaps through work or simply socially, and they know there are all sorts in that camp, too. They are not WOWED by good looks, it is simply something that IS or something that doesn’t come in the way.

Many good looking people view good looks as the stuff that HAS TO BE as the MINIMUM requirement. It is not what they go for, it’s just that if the looks aren’t there, that’s a deal breaker. They don’t think it is AMAZING that someone is good looking, but that it is beyond incredible that they’re not. Like there is something WRONG with a person who cannot maintain good looks with a RELATIVE ease to a certain extent. It SHOULD BE EASY ENOUGH, you know? They take good looks for a granted standard.

Looks is the baseline – the foot in the door, that’s all

Yet, they know that is ONLY the baseline. The requirements are built up from there. It’s like not considering buying a car without axels without intending to fix the damned axels. It’s kind of a minimum requirement for a car, the same as sexual attractiveness is a minimum requirement for the primary sexual partner. If you are not sexually attracted to a sexual partner, it’s about as sensible as buying a car you can’t drive as your only mode of transportation. I don’t wish to objectify but to make the point bleedingly obvious.

The looks are not supposed to GET IN THE WAY. A good-looking person knows that people like people for a variety of reasons, and once your looks pass a baseline, then, you’ll judge the book inside the covers. Nobody is genetically THAT BAD LOOKING that they couldn’t tidy themselves up, you know, so the reason why they DO NOT DO IT is elsewhere.

Weight is one thing, after that, the way you dress and groom yourself is the second ordeal. A lot of overweight people over-groom themselves, too, in their bid to compensate for their weight issues, which is also off-putting to a lot of people, by the way. Having beautifully done fake nails and caked on makeup doesn’t hide the fact you are grossly over-weight and on the brink of a heart attack.

“Only for the good looking ones”, not “only for the looks”.

So when you say that good looking people are shallow and “only go for the looks” is not correct. They only go for the good-looking people, yes, but not only for the looks. What they are looking for is the baseline looks and THEN they want to see if the gorgeous body is carrying around a useless brain or whether there is substance in there.

Did you know, by the way, that low body weight correlates with high intelligence? The stereotype often promoted is the dumb but good looking person is simply statistically incorrect one. High IQ helps people to do things easier, and that includes maintaining a healthy lifestyle and understanding the laws of weight management easier.

But that’s also not all it is. High IQ people are more acutely aware of how people perceive them and the simple legalities in life and relationships. This makes them aware exactly HOW important something is rather than denying it’s important because it doesn’t fit their own goals. “I am fat, you know, I like you. You have to stop valuing good physical health because I’m too lazy to change for you. You do not matter to me enough for me to change, so you have to change your ideals for me instead, so I can have you to myself easier.” But that’s not how love works. LOVE works like this: “OMG you are amazing. I know everyone would be freaking LUCKY TO HAVE YOU. I know you have more suitors than you can count or keep up with. HOW CAN I CHANGE or IMPROVE MYSELF so that I would be worthy of you?” (The answer to that is individual and sometimes very surprising, but there is an answer, but “you have to change for me because I’m too lazy to do so” is definitely not one of them.)

You also have to realize that sometimes no actually means a no and it may not have anything to do with your looks. Sometimes it means THERE IS NO WAY for you to change the verdict. I’ve even had to drill it down to people that just because you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean the other girl has to go from straight to gay just because you want them to. I’ve heard shit like “Oh she’s so in love with her boyfriend, but I’m so much better than him… She’s just hung up with this straight thing…” And then she falls for another straight girl just as hard insisting that that new girl is certainly her True Emotion Mirror… Only straight.

On the odd occasion, the looks SERIOUSLY do not matter

There is the possibility, of course, that the looks don’t matter at all. This must mean more though than “oh that’s a kind person.” Love like this means that the non-physical match must be OUT OF THIS WORLD amazing, for someone who values good looks to look past that and fall in love with someone who may not even be able to move out of their wheelchair. This must mean a spiritual connection, something deeper than what even makes sense to people, a telepathic level connection of the True Emotion Mirrors .

However, don’t mistake the test of a person’s values with the test of their love for you. You can pester a person to change their values, but that may not change the way they feel for you. They may lower their physical standards to near minimum, and still fall in love with other people, not you, because it isn’t about the looks. It’s about the person inside, and if the only thing you think counts is “being kind”, you’re probably fighting a losing battle, because a lot of people are kind to each other. Most people, even. (Until their kindness is being taken advantage of and becomes such a burden they explode and throw that fucking kindness into the back wall of the room they happen to stand at the time, like Superman throwing out a human opponent… LOL Yeah. I’m at that point. SO FUCKING TIRED being kind to everyone, while others take it as an opportunity to NOT read between the lines.)

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