Why pretty much everyone is under constant pressure to change
The two different kinds of thinkers, the Normal Person* and the Savants*, each want to protect different things. The Normal Person* want to protect the relationship: “To rescue this relationship, one of us (the odd one out) needs to change and become like others.” The Savants* see the individual being more important: “To protect each other’s authentic self, this relationship must break.”
The Savants* also see family relationships differently to the Normal Person*. The Normal Person* see each individual must match the family’s culture. The Savants* feel a family must give each individual enough space to be who their authentic self is.
The Savants* fear relationships break if the family doesn’t provide enough space for differences in each individual’s personality. “This family needs to stretch and grow to accommodate each individual in it.” This would be a smart guideline for the Savants* to underline as a mutual value inside a family and make the Normal Person* adapt to it. “As a family, we give each other enough space to be who we are as individuals.”
This is in the core of all of our relationship problems.
Leaving is an option to a Savants*
When the Savants* feels their personality and authentic self is not welcome in the group they belong in, a romantic partnership and family included, they opt out to leave that group. This is in order to protect their own authentic self and the authentic selves of the others involved. However, the Normal Person* sees this as a threat: “You are threatening our relationship because we won’t change for you.” This will never cross a Savants*’s mind, however, because to a Savants*, as the primary defining trait, a person’s authentic unique self is sacred. To the Normal Person*, the family unit/relationship is sacred.
The Savants* feels that you can always create new relationships and meaningful friendships and partnerships, but once a person’s authentic self is traumatized and broken, you’ve lost an individual. Even if they do not LIKE that individual, their respect for their right to be who they are, far surpasses their need to like them.
As a Savants*, I do feel we are the advanced thinkers, but the Normal Person* feel an ability to adapt to the needs of others and to be happy with less is the advanced way to live.
Leaving is not an option for the Normal Person*
To the Normal Person*, leaving an important relationship is not an option. Once they have learned to trust someone to be there, they feel breaking or loosening the relationship is not an option. They feel going up on someone is the worst thing to do to a person. Unfortunately, the Savants* often feels it’s required of them to give a relationship a chance. They “try it out”.
This is not how the Normal Person* do things. They make a commitment based on behavior and reputation. The Savants* want emotions. This is why the Savants* MUST STOP giving people chances. Although the Savants* are more than capable of sensing who they love the moment they meet them, they feel guilty of being so quick to judge. That’s when they make unwise commitments. The Savants* will have to learn to trust this instinct for their own sake and the sake of the Normal Person*. Simply avoid relationships with people you already know you’re likely to not love in the long run. The Savants* MUST stop forming relationships out of guilt.
The child will always be there
Ironically, the Normal Person* trusts their children above anyone else. This, to a Savants*, is putting the cart before the horse.
The Savants* also feels that having a child is a game of raffle. You don’t know what you’re going to get, but they don’t care as their role, as a parent, is to protect a child’s core. A Normal Person* feels they’ll guide any child into the role they’re expected; they’ll never run out of patience with their child. The Savants* feels: “no matter what kind of a child I’ll have, I’ll let them be who they are.” A Normal Person* feels: “No matter what kind of a child I get, I’ll teach them to be a good person.”
the Savants* form bonds that go beyond lifetimes
the Savants*, unlike the Normal Person*, form friendships, and connections that span across lifetimes. They fall in love with the soul of a person, despite where or when they were born. The Normal Person* keep a chart of a person’s reputation across lifetimes. They see “this is a person who I can trust to do this for me” “this is a person who I know to be good in these situations”. They choose family members based on their trusted qualities. Sometimes they want people who they want to protect and rescue as their children. (Not always a good thing, as they feel a person has been raised wrong, which means they want to be more brutal in their upbringing to show them how life is done. This can be highly traumatizing to a unique the Savants*.)
The Savants* hold loyalty across lifetimes. In contrast, the Normal Person* are loyal to whatever family they were born in, and then the extensions.
The Savants* would do wisely to not show trustworthy qualities towards the Normal Person*, who will always, from the Savants* perspective, seek to abuse those qualities in future lifetimes. (This is not to say that the Savants* should be mean or vicious or abusive towards the Normal Person*, but simply don’t be too kind. Don’t let them depend on you.)
The Normal Person* expect to be treated the same way as you treat others
Each the Normal Person* has pretty much one mode of functioning regardless of the individual they’re with. They are brutally themselves at all times. They can be very insensitive towards other people. On the bonus side, what you see is what you get, despite the fact they are a bit phony. They act as expected, but they religiously act as expected. Unfortunately, they also act as expected when the behavior model is negative.
The Normal Person* adapt amazingly well in a mob family or as a crooked politician. (Hillary Clinton is an excellent example of a politician who behaves exactly as is expected from a politician and from a presidential candidate. Trump… Not so much!! This is why I am BEYOND relieved Clinton didn’t get the office, despite Trumps many obvious failings.)
Anyway… The Normal Person* expect you to behave on a model. The same way towards everyone. If they find out you are different with someone else INCLUDING YOUR LOVER, they get shocked! They feel as though you are nicer towards your lover than your friends and they feel left out. Needless to say, the Normal Person* are typically asexual because they expect the same treatment from all people. The Normal Person* love community work, however, and if that community happens to produce porn, porn it is.
the Normal Person* thinking and sexuality
If you, as a Savants*, entrust your sexual secrets to your the Normal Person* thinking parent, they will think you are instructing them on how you want them to be. They never understand the idea of “I’m explaining to you the way I am because I need you to stop pushing me into a box.” The only reason why the Normal Person* sees you explaining the way you are is that you feel they need to follow your lead.
This is why the Normal Person* thinking parents are more than quick to denounce their gay children. “That’s preposterous!” They believe the gay child is trying to convince their parents to turn gay with them. Alternatively, they take it as a deliberate act of defiance to announce oneself is gay.
The Normal Person* thinking mind goes: “Sex isn’t important. Love isn’t important. How you behave matters. If you decide to act gay, you expect us to change or you openly defy us. You are out of here.” They do not understand sex and love the same way as the Savants* do. They truly are sexually undefined. They will function sexually as expected, not as they feel, as they don’t have direct sexual feelings.
This is why they also believe their child’s True Emotion Mirror (always the Savants*) are abusing their child who turns completely sexual with this one person because they believe that person is TELLING THEM TO be sexual. If they are into such things as BDSM or similar, they think they are told to… Should they find out somehow this is the way they go about things. Coming out of the closet of any kind to the Normal Person* thinking parents is very unwise.
Here’s the main conflict
The Normal Person* see malleability and wish to change to please others around them as a sign of love. They see the refusal to do so as open defiance or plain stupidity. If they know their child isn’t stupid, they assume their refusal or inability to adapt to expectations is simple stupidity. The Normal Person* do not understand the concept of “authentic self” or “who I am” the same way as the Savants* do. To the Normal Person*, these things are defined by the family or their husband or wife.
the Savants* malleability and family of their own
The Savants* are malleable up to a point. They change their outer behavior to be respectful of others, while they keep their own self often hidden. This, to the Normal Person*, is deceitful, not respectful. “You hide something from your own mother?! This is the way you were at all times, and you didn’t let me change/help you?!”
The Savants* will see an attempt to change them as a clear sign they are not loved by their parents, friends, or a partner. Ironically, to the Normal Person*, changing their close ones is an act of loving and caring. “I will show you how we (you and I) do things because you’re a part of our gang now.”
An Savant* thinking parent will never try to change their child. They see themselves the protector of the child’s authentic self, and the LAST person, who should seek to change or define it. This, to the Normal Person* thinking child, feels as abandonment and not caring. An Savant* who would attempt to change a child would see that as a selfish act of trying to make their child cater to the needs of the parent. Often the Normal Person* child also wants the parent to change for their needs. The Savants* thinking parent doesn’t take too kindly to that request, either.
The Normal Person* Need/WANT Boundaries at all ages
The Normal Person* thinking child doesn’t know what the Savants* thinking parent wants of them. They feel lost and insecure as a result. They are likely to seek boundaries anywhere, including gangs and criminal organizations. This is what “falling into the wrong crowds” means. It makes little sense to a Savants* who seeks likeminded company (even in criminal organizations). A Normal Person* simply seeks for someone to teach them how to be.
The Normal Person* tries to show love by guiding a Savants* into a mold. The Savants* feels attacked and brutalized and unloved. As the Savants* refuses to attempt to change the Normal Person*, they wind up the victim of being changed and brutalized themselves. The rationale being: “If you don’t have a better idea of how we should be, then I’ll have to do my best to decide on both of our behalfs.”
The Normal Person* also feels unloved and uncared for and abandoned by a Savants* who doesn’t want to help them to be like themselves, and to change them into their own image. Sometimes they truly are abandoned because the Savants* reluctance of changing others is so strong they rather do abandon their family and acquaintances that don’t think like them rather than change them. (I’m like that, too, the idea of trying to coach my mother into a person I could live with is absolutely a revolting one.)
The Normal Person* feel loved by boxes, balls, and chains
The Savants* hate nothing more than people who try to put them into a box. This is why they simply refuse to do that to another person. They feel that even the request to do so is an offense to them. They feel they are again asked to change to accommodate the needs of others when there are plenty of people to take guidance from. They also feel the Normal Person* are sometimes incredibly naive asking to be changed into something the Savants* is, often a risk-taker. Unlike the Normal Person*, however, the Savants* do not want to take others down their own path that they know to be risky. They would see that as reckless and irresponsible.
The Normal Person*, however, love boundaries, clear instructions, and rules more than anything. This is so much, that the Normal Person* thinking prisoners often re-offend after being released from the prison, only in order to be given the same security and certainty as the prison rules give them. They want to go “back home”. To the Normal Person*, home is where you’re told what to do, how to do it, and how to feel about doing it… As in where they feel loved.
You need to change
The Savants* feel the Normal Person* want them to change into a certain person to be accepted. The Normal Person* feel they need to change for the Savants* to not be abandoned. As the Savants* usually want to live their life on their own, the Normal Person* feel that is abandonment. They cannot trust the Savants*, to, for instance, keep an eye on their aging parent from a distance. The Normal Person* thinking parents of the Savants* may feel like their child who has left home is blackmailing them to change into something they’d love “or else they won’t come back”. In reality, the Savants* leaving has NOTHING to do with the way their parents are. The Savants* are simply interested in many things often not available where they were born.
Can you see why our society has a few issues? 😉
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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