You create what you fear: “Nobody will take care of me. Everybody will leave me.” -edition
Let me tell you a story.
A mother fears that her daughter will not be there for her when she grows old. She feels embarrassed to ask about it, and embarrassed about the fear and the very need for a daughter’s presence. She knows their relationship isn’t great, and that they are not truly bonding. Her fear grows stronger as she ages, and she’s trying to figure out the reason why the daughter isn’t relaxing around her, and is always looking for something else, something better, something different, anything rather than spending time with mommy.
The mother has always been insecure. She feels all of her friends will wind up leaving her, and her family isn’t there for her, either. She feels abandoned by her own mother who died when she was only in her 50’s and the mother was in her 30’s. There is nobody for her support as neither of her sisters has children and only spew out advice that comes from women who have never HAD TO raise children and face the challenges of it. Still, she had a child to combat her insecurities, she believed that if only she had a daughter, she would always have a friend.
Fear and expectations
The daughter’s natural way of bonding turned out to be 1-point-heteroplatonic 3-point heterosexual 3-point heteroromantic polyandry. Her natural attention was always focused on men and romantic relationships, not on her mother and family life. There was NO WAY for the daughter to be genuinely interested in the mother and her struggles. Her attention was fully on growing up and finding herself a boyfriend. The more her mother tried to delay this and prevent this in spirit, the more frustrated and determined her daughter turned into being, and she felt she couldn’t take her sight off her goal of finding a true love relationship, not even for a moment.
She ignored her mother, who, in turn, tried to force the daughter’s attention back on her and her needs.
They both failed to get what they want.
The daughter never intended to escape
All the daughter wanted, was a boyfriend, and eventually a husband. She was not ambitious about who, where, what kind of life she’d have, money wasn’t an issue, she wasn’t ambitious toward ANYTHING except finding true love. A boy next door would have been fine.
Her mother didn’t want her to, first, lower her bar too much. She wanted her to make a life with the son of her friends, but she wasn’t too keen on him, although she agreed he was very handsome, but not very… Rock n’ roll. And, the son never even spoke to her, so… No luck there.
Did her mom ever even want her to find a partner? Was the fact none of her sisters or brothers ever had children because the mother didn’t want to lose them to a family of their own, but lost them to their partners instead?
In her fear, the mother stopped everyone around her from finding love… Except for her son, who she thought could use a wife, as a replacement for her own increasingly estranged daughter.
It is just that, her mother was bitter. She would insult every boyfriend her daughter ever had, if not to their face, then to her daughter once the young men had left. Her daughter eventually stopped respecting her mother and find her jealousy of these young men ridiculous and despicable.
Forcing things
Even though the mother never did many things to visibly force her own will on her daughter, it was clear what she wanted for her. She wanted her daughter to clean up and join her friends who liked to do art and handicrafts with them. She had this vision about her daughter’s future, the way she wanted it, the fantasy life that she had planned for her daughter who liked heavy metal and spicy foods. She felt she was a warrior, not a knitter or someone who would sit around doing needlework by the fire.
The older she got, the more ambitious she grew in her wish to be something much more than a needlepoint expert. She was never interested in the life her mother had planned for her, but instead tried to find some kind of a livelihood and stability in her life so she could actually help her parents some when they get old and need her.
At the age of 45, she was still struggling to make ends meet, was once divorced, and lived on the other side of the world, and refused to be in contact with her mother.
Every day of her life, she felt her mother’s will on her, even if she tried to block her out of her consciousness, it was like another person was always with her, whether she liked it or not, dictating what could and could not happen in her life.
Basically, every fear the mother had about her daughter came true
The mother feared her daughter would grow up to be excluded from society through unemployment or failure to “grow up” and take responsibility. She did. She feared she would never find a stable relationship or have kids. She didn’t. She feared her daughter would run away from her. She did. She feared she’d completely lose the handle on her daughter. She did.
She feared her daughter thinks she’s stupid and hates her. Eventually, these things also became a reality. She feared her daughter’s diaries were filled with lines of text saying “stupid mom, stupid mom, stupid mom” and even though her teenage diaries were always focussed on the cute guys she knew and the rock she listened to, her mother rarely was considered newsworthy, when she grew up, her 40-books worth of blog posts turned out to be 60% about her mother… And how “stupid” she was…
The daughter was never in trouble
The mother feared her daughter would be bullied at school, and this was the ONLY fear of hers that didn’t come true, but in her fear of bullies, her mother also believed that her daughter would be “a problem child”. When she was vigilantly looking for signs of trouble, she interpreted every small thing as “early signs” of exclusion, rebellion, drug use, you name it.
Her grades never slipped, she didn’t miss school, her friends were never in trouble with the police any more than she was, they never took drugs or even drank alcohol – not even after turning 18 and could legally drink. Still, her mother was convinced her daughter was a problem child, and even though she avoided problems at teenage, the tension between the mother and daughter gradually grew to a point where her daughter decided to never speak to her mother again and let her die in her own shit if that’s what things would come down to.
If only the mother would have confessed to having fears and insecurities
The daughter was never afraid of anything. It was true her mother protected her from most fears all her life, but rather than growing naive and over-trusting, the daughter had the maturity needed to watch her own step. She never thought her mother’s fears were too serious, or that she would fear about never having her daughter look after her once she was old. Her brother was also very responsible type, married to a nice woman, living close enough to keep an eye on them.
The daughter saw no reason why she’d have to be there, too, as she was much more interested in making the wad tons of money that would enable her brother to organize the best care for the mother, father, their childless sisters, and her brother. She knew that without a good ton of money, they couldn’t take care of all of these childless people, or they couldn’t, at least make much of a difference in their life, so this was one of the reasons why she kept pushing for her own company to succeed but it never did, because her mother feared the company’s success would mean her losing all hold of the daughter.
If the mother had confessed having fears or insecurities rather than bravely declare she loves the idea of going to the old folks home, where she could start the day with a nice cup of coffee and a chat with the other old ladies, she could have had a real conversation with her daughter for once in her life.
If only the mother hadn’t treated her True Emotion Mirrors like the bandits about to steal her daughter away
When she became psychic and finally found the men she was looking for in spirit – and it turned out there were more than one, but that is another story – her mother reacted to them like they were criminals, rather than the men finally giving her daughter everything she had always wanted. She treated these men as her personal romantic rivals and worked to strike a wedge in between them, appealing to the men’s love for her daughter, insisting to them that they’d do her daughter and herself a favor if they didn’t come in between her daughter and herself.
The daughter quickly became adamant that there would be no reconciling the relationship with her mother. She couldn’t forgive her attempt to convince her men to leave her – as a favor to them both – even though the men had NO intent to actually leaving her, and stayed faithfully with her even though she was losing all of her composure and manners screaming at her mother in a way she would have never allowed herself to do when she was a teenager.
She had to start rebelling at the age of 35
She never showed disrespect toward her mother as a teen, but by the time she was 35, she could no longer tolerate her mother’s hold on her life. It was unfounded, the lack of trust had no merit, and the mother’s lack of respect toward her life choices was intolerable and unforgivable to her. She had been patient with her mom, waiting for her to finally come to terms with the fact she was growing up, and not living her life the way her mother envisioned for her, but the mother never arrived to this point in their lives. Eventually, the daughter came to the conclusion that the only way to get her mother to let up a little was to force her out of her life completely… Along with her father, brother, his wife and children, and her aunts and uncle.
The daughter feared she’d never gain independence
The daughter was always afraid she would never find true love nor gain independence from her mother. She never did… Apart from in her mind. She played her businesses too safe, so they never took off, fearing she’ll wind up in a financial hole rather than making money. She feared her mother would never let go of her, she never did.
She felt the Universe interpreted her fears as wants, and her wants as her fears.
But maybe you have to face your fears before you can have what you want.
Facing the real fears
When I think of it, I don’t fear not gaining independence from mom but the judgment I’d face by other people. I didn’t fear not loving my mother, but the judgment I’d face from those I care about for not loving her. I feared loving her, as that would have created a situation where I had to tolerate her company. I feared not loving her because I knew I don’t want her anywhere near me, and that it would make others think I’m a horrible human being. I don’t want to love my mother. I enjoy hating her. I think she’s a proper fucking cunt and I want her to die alone in her own shit.
And yes I fear your judgment. Feared. I don’t care, currently, what you think of it. It’s not like you choosing my teachings are not worth reading because of this is going to DO ME any harm. This is one of the rare situations where I can honestly say: “your loss.”
Do I fear my True Emotion Mirrors will judge me about this? Yes. But then again… They probably judge themselves for WANTING ME to drop my family… for them. 😉 I’d be glad to. Nothing could make me happier than them without the guilt or need to EVER taint my world with the sight of my family and old friends.
J: Nothing could make you happier?
Me: Well… Hmm. Anything that could make me happy would be diminished by the presence of those people.
J: No Way.
N: WOW?!
Me: I thought I’d made that pretty clear by now…
J: Nope. But, we’ll have this conversation elsewhere.
Me: K.
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*) Term changed after this post was originally written. Fractions of old terms may exist elsewhere in the post. Read about term updates.
**) Narcissists are Young Souls left alone to survive and they're doing their best. Their emotional age ranges from 3 to 17 -year old. The younger, the more severe the narcissism.
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