You don’t like yourself? Why?

Here’s my first clue to you: You do like yourself; it’s just that the part of you that doesn’t like the other part disagrees strongly with something that you have done or were thought to be. However, if you were that kind of a person, you wouldn’t worry about it, the person you fear being wouldn’t have an issue with any of it. They would be the asshole you fear being. The fact that you don’t like yourself means you’re not that person.

What I mean by this is that if you hate yourself for, maybe, being a racist, I’m telling you, a real racist wouldn’t hate themselves for being a racist. They’d admire themselves for it. They’d think they’re smarter than the average person for knowing what horrible humans people of other races are. The fact that you’d hate yourself for being a racist is all the proof you need that you’re not. Now, replace the word “racist” with anything that you might think you are, including stuff like ugly or stupid.

Now. Let’s do a little digging.

What gave you the silly idea that you’re no good?

Did you mean to do it? Did they interpret you correctly? Do they know something about you that you don’t? Are you trying to live up to an ideal that is just silly? Do you think you should be equal to someone who you grew up with simply because you happened to live a block away from each other and that should make you all even? What about your parents? Do you think you ARE your parents? (Good job giving birth to yourself. 😉 ) (You might be silly, but I doubt you are what you fear you are.) Would a bad person feel THIS SORRY for what you’ve done? Would a fashion-ignorant person notice that they haven’t always dressed perfectly? Would a stupid person notice their own mistakes? Would a callous person scold themselves for anything they’ve done?

Sometimes, you have to be proud of your shame if all else fails.

What you are ashamed of speaks more about your true character than what you have actually done. The wish to be something else is more important than what you are.

A bad person is proud of having done bad things. They think they’re better than others somehow for having managed to hurt someone, even feel that because they are “better than others” by some right of birth, that gives them the right to hurt and abuse others. A person like that isn’t ashamed of the evil they’ve done, they’re ashamed of all the pain they caused. Sometimes, you should be ashamed of your pride, and other times, you can be proud of your shame.

Sometimes, you cling to the pride of the shameful thing because you have nothing else to feel proud of. If that’s how you feel, you could be proud of being capable of realization and pride in being ashamed of the right thing for a change.

Why all the insults when you’re already feeling like the worst person in the world?

People who hate you vocally and strongly BELIEVE you can change. They wouldn’t waste their breath if they didn’t. But if they believe you have no shame, they can’t force you to change. Only shame and guilt and loathing of yourself can lead to change, but what we might have not realized is that you’re already ashamed. People who vocally try to insult you over and over think they have to awaken your shame and guilt, when in truth, they should give you an alternate source of pride… Shame. If all else fails.

You can get stuck that feeling, too. Being proud of being ashamed is also a trap. But know it’s a temporary phase that is there to fuel your change. You can be better. Nobody is expecting you to remain a person who has nothing else to be proud of than their shame or humiliation.

Visit that feeling, but don’t get stuck. Express it, and tell people, if you dare, that you want to change. The help will pour in. (Don’t get excited and prideful about how much attention and likes you can now get.)

Why the compliments don’t stick?

So people tell you how much they like you and admire you, don’t they? They think you’re cool, talented, beautiful or handsome, strong, impressive? Maybe they think you’re resilient, relentless, or that you’re super funny? When they try to express to you how much and why they like you, you cling onto that like a straw, yes? But at the end of the day, you just figure there’s something wrong with them or their compliments, yes?

Why? This is why: You never let people see the thing you’re so ashamed of, and because of that, they cannot fully confirm to you that they do not judge you, or that they do like you despite whatever that might be. Therefore, all the compliments go to the fake version of yourself and they don’t count. To be fair, all the insults go to the same person, too, someone who isn’t quite you.

To heal, you need to tell somebody. You need to risk being disliked and unforgiven. What you need to do is to turn yourself in, to the police or the people who you think would judge you for it.

You gotta come clean, then, you can start building the good person you are back up again.

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