You don’t need to be an obedient person in order to be a good one… And definitely not in order to be the smart or perfect one.

No sane person wants to be forced into doing something they find unpleasant, unnatural, or painful. Not one. No sane person wants to force another person to do anything they find unpleasant, unnatural, or painful. There are, however, a lot of people, who are not all entirely sane, who want to force others to do things they believe any living individual or, at least, this particular person should, based on whatever rationale they base their belief on, such as “all women/men want,” for example, should find pleasant, natural, and painless to do, whether they authentically feel that way or not. It is the most dangerous thing to be loved by a person who believes they are forcing you into doing whatever they feel anyone (like you) should find pleasant, natural, and painless to do, when that is not true in your case… Or any case for that matter.

We often associate obedience with being a good person. Obedience is important for a child and any person who chooses to put their safety and outcome in life into the hands of another person or an organization: If I expect you to keep me safe, then I will do as you tell me to, but if I decide to take my own risks and run my own life the way I see fit then YOU do not get to tell me what to do; I need my free hands to make the best decisions FOR ME.

Children obay, dependents obay. However, free citizens who are not trying to hurt anyone do not need to obey. Suppose you are selling your services to another person. In that case, sure, you have to deliver what you promised, and you have temporarily entered into a state of obedience, maybe, but being helpful to someone doesn’t necessarily mean you need to obey them. If, for example, I would obey the people I’m coaching, I’d simply tell them what they want to hear… That’s not good for you, and if you hire me to make your life better, I will, at times, have to tell you what you don’t want to hear to be a half-decent life coach.

Then, there are times when you need to obey on the surface, at least while you’re biding your time to do something more important. Then, you want to exert the least amount of energy to keep the oppressor happy, but you don’t want to be their biggest problem. Let other people loudly disobey so you don’t attract the attention of their biggest problem. You don’t want their eyes on you when you plan to make your escape, so to speak.

Narcissists** and people with borderline personality disorder want to control other people. If a person cannot respect another person’s freedom of choice, based on whatever logic they make their decisions as a grown person, they’re one or the other commonly, or something even more sinister and much more rare. If you cannot respect another adult person’s freedom, whomever they are to you, there’s something wrong with your psychology. This includes the freedom of choosing the bounds of marriage or even BDSM, or whatever else that a person might choose to be bound by; honor, religion, a spiritual cult, maybe. Their life, their choice. (Problems happen when a child is bound to the same expectations before they are old enough to choose for themselves. There should be child-friendly rules until the child is old enough and perfectly free to choose for themselves.)

Sometimes we need to obey a little – just enough – to gain a benefit… Sometimes a literal benefit like an unemployment fund. So. How to reconcile the discomfort of it not being the right thing to do by your standards, maybe, while you still feel it’s the best, if not the only sensible way forward to… Lie a little? Maybe you don’t have to be a perfect person to be good enough. Maybe you don’t always have to compare yourself to all twelve saints and Jesus in order to give yourself a pass when the greater good calls for it?

You will have to see the bigger picture. When is something unfair, short-sighted, too presumptuous, or over-simplified? Is an excuse really an excuse, and if you’re indeed making one, why are you making one? Do the people who are trying to help you truly understand what it is that you need from them or other people? Maybe, rather than accepting there is nobody who can help you, you’ll do that movie thing and spill it all out? “OK, so you want to help me? Here, this is what I ACTUALLY need. You in or out?” “OK, I’ll just tick you attended…”

Perhaps you have to give yourself permission to get pissed off at times. Inform others when they are not helping, and ask for help that people cannot give you even if it makes them feel utterly insufficient in their most earnest wish to help.

And, heaven forbid, maybe these useless people will come through for you and actually… Help.

Subscribe to get a Daily Message