Some people are not interested in you until you have a goal, ambition, or focus. They won’t give a person a time of day until that person knows what (more) they want. Why? Now, you are distractable. You can be annoyed instead of entertained. All they have to do for your attention is to get in the way. Without an interest, they need to BE the interest, and there’s a high chance of being found out to be ordinary and boring.
When a person is interested in something else—work, a project, or another person—they are already alert and not bored. They don’t need entertainment; they’re engaged. Now, a person who is not entertaining, funny, philosophical, or helpful can get some good attention by just being in the way, distracting you from your work or your goal of finding true love.
Now, the only thing they need to have is thick skin and not go away.
These people don’t need anything but a thick skin to survive this game and to marry you. All they need to do is NOT to GO AWAY when you snap at them, not to take anything personally, and to always return for more conflict (that, to them, is merely the attention they seek). And a bonus: Give you some crazy sex that you can’t refuse to seal the deal.
It looks like interest in YOU, but they are attracted to the opportunity to steal attention from something “less interesting” than they are. They don’t care about who you are or what you’re into; they care about being able to steal your attention, which, to them, means you MUST love them. If you are 95% interested in work, and your attention shifts, you must be 100% interested in them… Even though how they get there is to just get in the way.
It’s kind of like how you love a fly or a mosquito in your wedding suite.
You, on the other hand, feel like they’re willing to suffer rejection and humiliation for you; they must really love you, right?
No, wrong. They don’t care about you. You and your true ambitions are there to bolster their false ego… But only if they think they are fighting for something they can’t truly have. And there’s a good chance you’re avoiding giving them attention or commitment because you’re just not interested. And THAT is what keeps them interested.
Therefore:
Give them what they want without a fight: Your undivided attention.
Now. There are many ways to get rid of them, but some of them can get people killed, so let’s not go there. Let’s do this instead: Be an easy catch… But under an NDA, if you have a reputation to protect.
After they’ve chased you for a while, and you’ve rejected them a few times, eventually turn 180 and go “all in.” Let them have their date. During this date, please give them your undivided attention, but do it in a way that will put them on the spot: Assume they’ll entertain you. They’ll have to prove themselves to be the one you want. Tell them as much: “Alright, you’ve got my attention. Show me you’re the one. Entertain me.”
When they say they thought you’d take them on a date, laugh and remind them who has been the one chasing who. “Oh no, honey, you’re obviously good at this stuff; I’m just a guy buried in work all the time; I don’t have time to think about dates; that’s your job.” If you’ve been openly dating, just tell your date. Obviously, you’re no good at them as you’re still at large, so it’s on your date to make a night out of it.
Don’t make it easy for them.
Then, don’t pretend to be having a good time. You may reward them for “good behavior” by openly enjoying yourself if you do and want to give them that. Otherwise, don’t make any effort to conceal your true feelings. They may take it for a game if you try to act too unimpressed. Acting hard to get or difficult to impress is an old pick-up strategy. That known, they may take it as a positive sign, not a negative.
At all times, try to have a real conversation about your companion, not about yourself or your possible shared interests rather than yourself. Ask honest questions, and don’t be afraid to hurt their feelings; maybe it will lead to something good. Such as “So what gives you the self-confidence to chase a man like me when you’re plus-sized and not very attractive otherwise? What am I missing?” (Or whatever else you honestly think.) And react authentically to what they respond. Don’t be afraid to be unimpressed. (If they mention commitment as their #1 asset, remind them that you’re actually a catch, and most people would find it very easy to commit to you, but it’s a lot harder for a person to convince you to do so.)
Why talking about them will work.
Obviously, if this is a person you “didn’t see,” letting them talk about themselves will give you a clearer idea of who they are. It’s possible (albeit honestly not very likely) that your actual true love is chasing you up and down, and you don’t notice. The likelihood is that this person is attracted to your distraction, not you.
If they are not the right one, making them talk about themselves will put them on the spot of having to be interesting to you. This is surprisingly difficult for an attention-hungry person to do. If they are the right one, they’ll get the opportunity to tell you as much. Direct the attention away from you if you’re famous because it’s easy to focus on your awesomeness. Don’t fall into the trap of how used to attention you are. “You know a lot more about me than I know about you. You talk.” Don’t let them solely focus on praising your work, either. Make them talk about themselves, not you.
Give them a real chance to impress you, but don’t pretend any of it. Don’t exaggerate your disinterest, nor your interest. Be as snarky and dismissive as you truly feel, but also give them every compliment you think they deserve. Make them feel like they are applying for a job from a neutral party.
When they finally storm out, telling you that it’s no wonder you’re not more popular with men/women, remind them they’re under an NDA, congratulate yourself on work well done, and go back to your life.
In general: When dating, be more interested than interesting.
If you’re anything like me, you try to get rid of people by showing a lack of interest rather than interest. This is like catnip to narcissists and rejection junkies, and ladder climbers. Instead, show constant interest, whether you’re interested in a person or not. If you only want to entertain and be the center of attention, you give the impression that’s all you want, and being “the right one” for you is super easy.
Instead, make people talk about themselves a lot more… And react to what they tell you authentically. Be more interested (in their ultimate humiliation) than interesting. That should get rid of the wannabes.
