Mostly, I consider myself a relationship expert. That said, there is a one big glaring red flag about my own past: I don’t speak to my own family anymore. None of them, even though I only have issue with one of them. The one individual in question is my mother. The root of our problem is a profound incompatibility as people… To put it generously.
The way I see it, they have made their choice. And I am strong enough to live with that choice.
Submit or dominate?
I am a strong Timeless thinker. That said, I am convinced, by my own theory, that there is never going to be an amicable solution available for me and my mother, a Modern. The issue itself is tiny—ridiculously tiny. The only thing my mom needed to do was listen to me, understand that I am a grown-up now and my decisions are not for her to make, and let me be. She insists I have a false memory of childhood abuse and won’t listen to anything to the contrary.
She is a Modern. To her, maturity means listening to mommy (or daddy) and doing as mommy (or daddy) tells you to, and not getting into any childish fights over such a silly notion as autonomy. As Timeless, dominance, and submission don’t belong in relationships between two adults, particularly family members. Submission and dominance play a role in sexual relationships but nowhere else, as far as I’m concerned.
My only options in regards to my mother are to A) submit fully and allow her to make all my decisions for me. (Out of the question.) B) Return and bully her into absolute submission, even if it takes physical force. (Would require so much CONSTANT work and micromanaging adults that test my authority every two days like children, that it is, in practicality, out of the question.) C) Move away and mind my own goddamned business. (Regrettable, but OK.)
My brother is not exactly happy with my mother’s bossiness but accepts it, and my dad doesn’t have a dominant bone in his body, so there you go. That’s what they’ll do: obey the matriarch. My aunts and uncles, some of whom are still alive, will go along with whatever; they’ve long learned to accept my mother and stay out of her way enough to get by… And obviously, my mom isn’t all bad. She’s got her moments. There is stuff I miss about her, but I feel like I’ve escaped a cult. The cult of Hessuism. *I laugh wryly.*
Pardon my language, but every time I think of my mother, and her stupid way of thinking makes my goddamned blood boil.
The lesson I had to learn.
I used to believe, and I do feel this is very much a core-belief of an immortal spirit, that EVERY relationship issue can be solved by good communication and honesty. Now, I believe that there are some relationships that rely and depend on the very opposite. They require constant silence and deception, and if truth is ever uttered, the relationship will descend into a power-battle.
I now believe that not all relationships can be, or even should be, rescued. Life is too short for trying to battle it out with a person who is not vital to your happiness – and a Modern no matter how closely related, can never be vital to the happiness of a Timeless. It is simply and impossible scenario.
After my experience with my mother and my family, I submit to the fact there are relationships that are beyond salvation. I have born judgment for people who cannot sort their shit out with their family, but no more. I accept it. Life is too short for certain solutions. Just move on. There are 8 billion more people in this world to find connection with, there is no point hanging onto one or two or two dozen, even if they were your family. The average number is still 8 billion more.
We’re rich in people. We can afford to squander some relationships. ;p
The Modern would expect me to keep up appearances.
She said me said, right? I do not believe I can afford such a luxury as appearances. I sell authenticity. My whole gig is authenticity. How can I be a coach and a guide to anyone, if I hide my own skeletons? And, how do I offer compassion and understanding to those who need to do the same as I did, if I have to pretend that every relationship is salvageable?
I should save my family name… Nah. It’s just a name, and I don’t even use it much. They can damned well keep it, even if I’m the most genuine example of my own family on both sides. They are somewhat wilful people. I’m related to a genuine freaking rebel, too. From mother’s side, ironically. Suffered a death sentence for running his mouth against the king. And pitch fork, too. Literally. The leader of the Cudgel War in 1596, Jaakko Ilkka in Finland is my great great great great something grand father in a direct line. They’re still staging operas for his honour every summer in Finland. Teehee. “Fuck tyranny! Free The People!” Can you hear yet another Timeless yell for his freedom, and rather, the freedom of people he represented?
To be honest, he was semi-forced to take the lead but still. He died for it.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
I can’t solve all of your relationship problems, as I’m not a god and can’t give all of the people you need to deal with a fucking personality transplant. That would go against my principles, too. These are problems that used to be solved by lobotomies, so that’s what it would take, and you know what, it’s just a question of opinion who should get that damned lobotomy. Shall we flip a coin, yes? It was probably the Timeless who would usually draw the short stick with that, but it may have well been a question of a majority vote.
Don’t we all agree that separating from a family is the better option, when theoretically everyone can live a happy… Happier life without the other? The truth is that Modern need to be cleared from the responsibility of losing family members. It’s not their fault their way of dealing things simply doesn’t sit well with the Timeless. We’re all born one or the other, and that’s all the blame to be cast. We cannot solve these issues.
That said, there’s a few ways to DODGE these issues and manage them, and there are easier and better ways to get away from these situations than what I did, but you know… I wouldn’t have known that had I not been in the middle of it myself. But that is a topic for an actual lesson.
