Almost everyone wants a lifelong permanent relationship with someone or even multiple people in a polyamorous mix. We all should consider it our right to look for whatever connection we want, too. However, what we must realize is that the end goal, what we all want out of this lifelong relationship, varies quite a bit. In fact, it varies so much that we’re not all compatible with each other, even if we seem to be.
Some of us prefer a friend who is with them through thick and thin. They might not even get married if they knew their friend was there forever. The BFF, best friends forever, category. Then, there are those who want a romance, but not a sexual one. There might be a motivation to make mom and dad happy, or make your friends or old classmates envious of you. And, finally, there are people who want a romantic relationship that is a steaming, sexy one until neither partner can no longer move their hips!
We project and assume others want what we want.
Everybody projects their feelings onto other people up to a point. The older you are, the less you do it, but one thing is clear: We think we all want the same thing out of a relationship “if we’re good people.” But no. Good people can have very different ideas of what an ideal relationship is like.
It is a very important dating question to find out what your potential partner’s ideal relationship is, and namely this: sexual or non-sexual. Whether you prioritize friends, family, or your sexual partner. Your priorities and relationship goals must match. It doesn’t matter what they are, but they must match that of your partners. And while men especially are more than willing to compromise, they shouldn’t.
Gentlemen, yes, there are highly sexual women around, and ladies, there are men who are not any more interested in sex than you are. (Current statistics in a society where sexuality and freedom are our highest values prove this: “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to,” and surprisingly, it’s the men who decide “it’s not worth the trouble.”) But, with all the talk about sexuality and identity, nobody speaks about romance and belonging. That’s where I come in.
Be forthright.
Whether you’re looking for a partner for yourself or helping someone you care about find a partner for themselves, it’s important to be honest about what the end goal of the relationship is. To start a family? To focus on each other? To just have someone there to lean on and care for and appreciate care given? Which is ideal; a non-sexual relationship or a sexual one? Which, to you, is the higher value, spiritually speaking, for instance? Which do you feel is the higher form of love: sexual or non-sexual? (And yes, there are women who absolutely say “sexual.”)
It is important to not fall into the trap of pretense and say you want one thing when truly, you don’t. Bring your insecurities to the table, too. They maybe either sexy or endearing to your future partner. Nobody likes a relationship where they are not even needed or wanted. Having needs to meet is a good thing.
Women don’t want money, per se.
Let’s bust some myths, here. Women don’t want money, not really. Women who seem to be after money want safety. Money and status have a function of providing safety. Women who like money are more than likely working themselves, but women who want a man to provide for them are actually looking to feel secure, from their frenemies’ sneers, in addition to physical good.
Women like this also tend to use sex as leverage to get a man to provide safety and security for her. While they too deserve to get what they need out of a relationship, it is good to know that all the sex tangled in front of you may not be quite genuine. It may be a means to an end. It is also important that men who find this endearing will know it: All this woman wants is to feel safe with someone who will not leave her at the first wind – the money is really not the thing she wants. She may be too embarrassed to say she is very vulnerable, and puts on a hard hat to pretend she’s in charge.
On that same note, if a woman seems completely disinterested in your money and ability to provide, it doesn’t mean she’s not interested in you.
The people that one group complains about are another group’s dream.
I am trying to keep this blog relatively PG. That said, whatever you’re into, TRUST ME, you are someone’s perfect partner. (I’ll address the elephant in the room in another blog.) I can tell you one thing: I am personally an example of the woman that every feminist is fighting to say men have to stop treating women the way I want to be treated. I’m still single because of feminists. Directly. Now, do you think there are no men or women who wouldn’t love to live a 50s-style marriage? Who wouldn’t want to live like we did in the 1800s, or find some modern variant of it? Don’t think, for a second, that whatever “oppressive” thing you want, there isn’t a man or a woman who dreams of it.
There are women who would love a relationship to be as simple as folding laundry.
Feminists do not speak for us all as much as they like to think they do. (Want to see what anti-feminist women look like?)
If you’re afraid of the opposite gender, it’s time for therapy, not a date.
There’s a chance that you try to date the opposite gender (or even the same) and still be afraid of them. That’s not good. You’re supposed to WANT a relationship with someone to date, not white-knuckle your way into it thinking you HAVE TO HAVE a partner. You don’t have to have a partner. It’s completely optional. You don’t have to have children, either, and if you are afraid of one gender, then you shouldn’t have children, because you’ll transfer your phobia on them.
Therapy first, then, we’ll see.
Be certain that the man or woman or friend you’re looking for exists.
There is no doubt about it. The person you want exists for you. You just have to know TO ASK. You NEED TO ASK. You need to stop playing games and expecting that by lying from date one, you’ll somehow build a deep connection with someone.
Go update your dating profile. Stat.
